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Re: I'm not going to make it - (possible trigger)

Posted by antigua3 on May 19, 2009, at 7:42:20

In reply to Re: I'm not going to make it - (possible trigger), posted by FindingMyDesire on May 18, 2009, at 16:46:21

What a terrible experience for you. It seems like everyone let you down and you're left suffering in unimaginable ways. I'm happy you made it through, though, despite the price you've paid.

Try not to feel shame, although that of course is a totally natural reaction.

Sometimes I think we have to scream at the top of our lungs to be heard. Or at least that's what it feels like. You seemed to show enough control that nobody really heard you and I'm sorry for that.

I get the whole thing about wanting to leave therapy because it's too painful and then having your T (pdoc in my case) just seemingly going along with it when I wanted him to care enough to tell me "No, don't do it!"

I recently had the same experience. I made a decision to quit therapy because it was more painful than it seemed it had ever been. I left my pdoc a message saying so, knowing full well that he wouldn't try to make me stay. I understand now that it wasn't that he didn't care, but that he was respecting my decision. I did say I would come back for another appt (I had canceled my next one) to discuss my meds situation.

True to form, he left me a message to schedule my next appointment where we could talk about "next steps". I totally freaked out. I wanted him to stop me and here he was letting me go when I was at my most vulnerable. In his message he had put off my appt for another two weeks and I just lost it. Not only was he letting me quit therapy, but he was making me wait a really long time to see him again because he was going to be away. (He hadn't told me he would be gone and that was extremely upsetting as well. Abandonment issues rearing their ugly head.)

So I gathered up my courage and called him to tell him I couldn't wait that long. He was very kind and scheduled an earlier appt. I told him I knew he would let me go because he was respecting my decision. (I have wanted to quit for a while and the most I could get out of him was that he knew that if I walked out that door, I would be walking out a healthier person. He was absolutely right, but I wanted more, for him to care enough to tell me not to go.) He met that need, telling me it was really important, great in fact, that I had agreed to come back to talk about the meds, and that, in fact, he didn't think I was ready to leave. I was floored. I don't usually get what I want from him, but he seems to find a way now to meet my needs.

So, go back. Sometimes I think Ts use that "come back for a few sessions to wind things up" to get us back in there so we can talk about why we want to leave. For me, I sometimes think it's just a way they react in order to get us to come back and face the fears we have about therapy and really talk about why we want to leave. It often leads to some tremendous growth in talking about and releasing these feelings. I've discovered that while the urge to leave is definitely real, it needs to be explored. Just walking out the door, unless it's really not a good match for us with ours Ts, can be devastating.

These are just my thoughts, nobody else's.

So go back and tell her everything. Make her understand the depth of your pain and work together to find out what's triggering you so much.

Again, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It does feel weird though, doesn't it, when after an episode such as this we can just walk back into our lives and act as if nothing had happened. Nobody who knows me from the outside would ever recognize the depths of my pain because I'm so good at hiding it. Except in therapy. My T and pdoc get it and I was shocked to discover this, that my veil doesn't hide me in those rooms.

Please take care,




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