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Re: Will I ever stop wanting/needing a 'Mommie?'

Posted by sharon7 on January 24, 2009, at 15:46:22

In reply to Re: Will I ever stop wanting/needing a 'Mommie?' sharon7, posted by Dinah on January 24, 2009, at 15:07:21

> From time to time I try to go back in the archives and save those posts that chronicle my journey. I'm often too embarrassed to actually read them though. If you would like to post a link, I could try to be brave. :)

Dinah. you are very brave! I realize the thought of sort of reliving some of what you've been through by re-reading things you've written over the years is kinda scary. it would be for me. And if you hadn't said I 'could' (send you a link,) i wouldn't have, but i am going to because i want you to know the things you had to say and were willing to share (7 years ago!) helped me a lot and what a relief knowing there are other people who know EXACTLY what im going through. isn't it weird how you can read certain posts and for a second, you could actually believe that was you writing it? its weird but its also very comforting.

i know what you mean about finding it hard to read stuff you wrote during an especially difficult time. i have since stopped doing it, but i used to write my t these long letters, which i suppose were really more like my journal, but it was easier for me (although still extremely difficult!) to get the information i want her to have via a piece of paper rather than out of my mouth, because it's quite possible i could never get it out of my mouth, but im afraid (and grateful at the same time because i know she knows what is best cuz she's the pro) that my t wants me to be able to speak it with my mouth outloud (for some reason, maybe im wrong,) and not just on paper. in fact, i don't even write to her anymore, which of course means i'm not doing any type journaling, because i don't think she likes it. or, because she's so busy and sees so many people she doesn't have the time (or even the desire) to read what I have to say. Since I know im not the center of her universe (or even anywhere near the outer reaches of it, i have to realize that what is important for me to convey to her is not necessarily important to her to receive. that's what i tell myself anyway. Im still pretty insecure in the relationship (as probably comes across loud and clear.) Its better, but i can still lose it if i sense her pulling away or being annoyed or tired of me, but like you, it seems anyway like these episodes (meltdowns) are fewer and further between, but i guess i should ask her about that! (o:

Anyway, here's the start of the link i was referring to. Oh! I know what i was gonna say. every once in a while ill come across a Word doc from a 'letter' i had written to my t during a difficult time, and i can't read it either! i delete it so fast when i see it. like i can't make it disappear fast enough!




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poster:sharon7 thread:875824