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Re: Favorite child Dinah

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 14:31:13

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by Dinah on January 23, 2009, at 23:08:39

Hey,
First, I was by no means offended by your post. I'm feeling much better today about all this--maybe my mind was working hard while I was sleeping!! so pls don't ever worry about what you post to me. I know that you always have the best of intentions.

Re-reading this thread, I caught this from your post. Now, pls, pls don't think I'm picking on you because I'm not. It's just that you brought a lot to this discussion that has helped me think about things in a different way.

"It is as irrelevant to one sibling how well the other sibling does in school as it is irrelevant to another sibling how easily the other makes friends."

In my experiences w/my kids, this is so not true. My kids went to a small private K-8 school, and it really wasn't until my oldest was out of there that my daughter felt confident enough to start to express her own "smartness." While the teachers tried not to compare her, and told me so, they couldn't be unbiased. Now, obviously, other factors could have been in play here, but intellect was the primary focus and my daughter refused to participate until her brother was out of there.

To add to that, we moved my youngest son out of the same school to a public school magnet program for the same reasons, really. He felt like he was under enormous pressure to compete w/his older siblings intellectually. He had no problems in actually competing, it was the pressure he put himself under that was disturbing, and he has been much happier as a face in the crowd and has stopped thinking he has to be Number 1 all the time.

I actually had one teacher at his old school say it was a good idea to move the youngest--and there's quite an age span here--because it would be very difficult for him to follow in the steps of his older brother! (Another reason to have moved him: rigid teachers w/their own issues!)

Kids. What creatures. I imagine mine in therapy when they're older, decrying all the mistakes their poor mother made, when all she was trying to do was not repeat the ones her parents made. But then we make our own problems. All I do know is that my kids are emotionally healthier and happier than any of my siblings are (were) and that's more than I ever could have dreamed of. I make mistakes, just like everyone else, but in the long run I know I did my best.

This is so interesting thinking of it from a parent's perspective, especially since so many of us here discuss our parents and the difficulty we have relating with them today.

Thanks Dinah. Oh, I should show my bias--my sister was always the "smart" one AND the "pretty" one, and that belief has stayed w/me to this day. Now I recognize that was my mother's interpretation and I've chosen not to accept it, but it was still incredibly painful growing up.

love,
antigua

 

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poster:antigua3 thread:875590
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090109/msgs/875851.html