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Will I ever stop wanting/needing a 'Mommie?'

Posted by sharon7 on January 24, 2009, at 13:12:52

Hello there. This is my first time posting here. i came across a wonderful thread on this site from back in 2002 that discussed the very issue i am having problems with, or at least i think that's what the problem is, and that is transference. im defining it as an involuntary psychological phenomenom whereby and for whatever reason, one develops an emotional attachment for another person where you come to think of him/her in terms of a surrogate parent. evidently this happens quite often in therapy (which is of some releif i suppose,) but for me it was quite unexpected, especially since i've only been seeing my t for a year and a half. In my eyes (or my sick mind!) my t is the embodiment of someone that would be the best mother in the whole world. the reason this is a problem for me right now is, if i as mjuch as perceive a shift or change in my t's attitude or demeanor towards me, i have kind of like an emotional meltdown as i call it. these meltdowns are harmless to everyone but myself. I punish myself both mentally and physically for having the feelings and do all i can to anesthetize them. The gut wrenching emotions that come if my t is indifferent towards me drive me to engage in all types of destructive and compensatory behaviors in an attempt to quel the wave of anguish and despair that on a cognitive level are totally out of place and proportion. i am a reasonably intelligent person, and i recognize that the emotions i experience when this happens (or i think it does) are from a whole other place and time, and that the very fact that i sometimes re-experience,through the relationship with my t, the intense pain i felt growing up because my bio mom was very unaffectionate, distant, and unavailble to me on so many levels, may actually be an important step towards my recovery. i actually find the whole phenomenon quite curious and interesting, but when you are experiencing it first hand, it can be very difficult to handle, both for myself and probably for my t as well. I am happy to say, though, i have a wonderful t and she's the consummate professional. i doubt she even realizes there are times when her demeanor and attitude towards me changes, resulting in the meltdown and panic. i realize its all subjective, though. she probably doesn't even realize i think of her the way i do, as a surrogate 'good' parent and how emotional that has become for me, especially when i sense its absence. its like i regress to this wounded rejected child who believes her mommie doesn't love her anymore, and that she's done something wrong to cause the change in attitude on the part of the parent. ive only been in therapy for a year and a half, and i never expected that i'd come to think of my t as a mother figure. i mean, ive always thought she was nice and very smart, but not maternal. that sort of developed over time. The relationship or lack thereof with my bio mom so damaged my psyche and has severely impaired my ability to form bonds with other people. it's like when hurts from the past are relived, the mind doesn't know "is this live or is it Memorex?", so i can have these spontaneous negative reactions if i so much as perceive indifference from my t towards me. anyway, wanted to throw this out there and see if anyone might wanna talk abt it. i really want to understand the shame that seemns to come along with having these unresolved 'Mommie' issues, and how to stop engaging in all the destructive behavior and abuse i heap upon myself for having these feelings in the first place. Thanks for listening. i never meant for this to be so long! - Sharon




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poster:sharon7 thread:875824