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Did I quit?

Posted by LibraryGirl on January 24, 2009, at 11:55:52

Hi everyone,

I feel dumb making this a post, but I'm honestly confused and thought some outside perspectives might help.

I've been working with a new therapist since October. She was recommended as a specialist (eating disorders) and she has a lot of experience, so I started seeing her. The past couple of sessions (the last one was about two weeks ago) I felt like I kept repeating the same things, merely complaining about my life. So I started to wonder whether I should keep going to sessions. I mentioned it the last time I saw her, she asked me why I thought that, then at the end we were scheduling the next session and I told her maybe I'd go, maybe not. Maybe she didn't think I was serious, she said something funny about it, and that was it. So as the next session approached I just felt like I would only be going there to keep saying the same things. So I left her a short voice message, saying I was going to cancel for my next appt and if I had another one scheduled (she usually schedules a few appts ahead of time) to let me know and I'll decide whether to keep it.

She called back, left a message, saying she doesn't know what I'm thinking, that she thought we were working well together and to call her back and let her know what's going on and whether I really wanted to cancel for that Saturday. I called back, left another message, (this is probably over a week ago now) saying:

1. I felt like i was just saying the same things every week, that a lot of my problems and worries are external (not sure now what i meant by this, i guess as opposed to internal/emotional) and I feel like I'm "spinning my wheels",

2. plus I'm having a bit of a transportation problem with my car (long story) so I wasn't able to get there on on my day off b/c I don't have a car on the days when I'm not working (even though she literally works a couple of minutes by car from my house, but it's been too cold to walk there and it is a longer walk than it actually seems when you're driving, lol)

3. plus the expense of seeing her every week (even those co-pays add up),

4. plus i only get 30 sessions a year on my insurance, so if I use them all up now I won't have any to use when (no, not if) something bad happens and I might really need to see her. (I should be seeing her every two weeks, b/c of the insurance, but we talked about it and she thinks i needed more sessions for now, but it makes me nervous that i'm using them up).

And then I added that I wasn't sure whether we had an appt scheduled for this coming Monday (I go back to working Saturdays this week, so I have Mondays off again), and to let me know whether or not I do and I'll let her know what i want to do.

So that was the last communication I've had with her. She hasn't called back at all, and I'm not sure what's happening. Is she waiting for me to call her to ask to come in (which, of course, my pride won't let me do for some reason)? Or maybe she's given up? Or forgotten about me? Or, as I realized yesterday, did it sound like to her that I quit entirely?

So I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to call her, leave a humble message, but I feel like I'm lowering myself and that I should be better than that, I guess (hard to define what it is I feel when I think of calling). And if I did call to ask for a session, why am I doing that? I'm not sure what I even need right now. Or what I'm afraid of (maybe I'm running? It's possible).

Anyway, that's the story. Sorry it's so long. Any input would be appreciated as I'm at a loss.





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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

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