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Right at this moment - suicide trigger

Posted by seldomseen on January 24, 2009, at 10:46:43

I'm feeling very very low, and very much like giving up.

I'm am aware of all the good things that are going on in my life, but at present they do not seem to be "reaching" me. They are like a picture on my fridge. I'm so used to seeing them, they have lost meaning.

It is compounded,if not outrightly caused by the fact, that I am ill - a bizarre fluish/bronchitis/sinus infection type thing. It doubly sucks that the lung/bronchiole involvement isn't going over well with my smoking. I am on antibiotics. It's as though my body let in a moment of weakness and my mind is capitalizing.

I am also aware, on some level I suppose, that there is no imminent threat to my person, I'm safe in my house, yet I feel as though at any moment everything will just collapse. It's a generalized dread. A stronger me could handle this. I can't find her.

My rational mind knows that this will pass, but very acutely in the moment I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it actually will.

I'm crashing. It's a freefall. To quote some poem I read in high school, it's an ecstasy of fumbling.

I've got to get my feet under me.





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