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Re: Favorite child

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 0:00:43

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by Dinah on January 23, 2009, at 23:08:39

I get what the article says, but although there may be certain affinities w/one of my children, that doesn't mean he/she/he is my favorite, or the fact that he/she/he is easier or more difficult affects my core sense of love for each of my children.

I think maybe it's more about how I have raised them, so it may sound like a favorite. As I've said, as I've grown as a mother, I've learned lessons not to repeat, and to respect each one for their distinct, wonderful gifts. I thought I was doing a good job at that, but I guess I was wrong.

I could compare all three from a million different angles as the woman in the article does in finer detail and it still wouldn't change the facts as I see them, and I'm clearly seeing them wrong, which is why this distresses me so much.

If truth be told, my daughter would probably say my oldest is my favorite, and my youngest would say he is. I've never known how to be a proper mother to a girl. She didn't come w/a roadmap, and I guess I've been winging it a lot. I grew up w/brothers and a sister that truly, truly hated me, so I've always been more comfortable with boys. But it doesn't mean I love my daughter any less. I'm just less sure on how to be a mother to her. My mother was missing from my life for all my teenage years so I had no role model, so I guess I've been making it up--and wrongly at that.

I'll stop now because I'm having trouble making myself understood. Maybe this all makes me think I've failed as a mother if it's obvious to someone from the outside that I have a favorite. I know that when I deny something to this extent, there is some truth at the core of it and I will wrestle with that.

Thank you everyone. Maybe I'm putting too much faith in the observations of a faulted man. That would be par for the course. Why should it bother me so much? More fodder for therapy.

It's funny that this would come up in therapy one day and then a few days later for my daughter to pronounce that she is her father's favorite. I didn't mention this conversation w/my pdoc w/anyone until I posted here, so obviously, w/my older son home, something was readily apparent that I was oblivious to. I also think that my younger children have seen first hand how distressing it is to me to have a child leave home for good, really. Not that he won't be back to visit, but this is no longer his "home." He's making his own home, now, and I'm very happy for him, no matter how sad that may make me feel.

But it will happen again, when my daughter leaves home, in a different way and under different circumstances, and I will be stronger for this experience now, but it won't change my love for her, make it stronger or weaker, it just will be what it is.

My T and pdoc have pointed out how difficult this transition is for a mother, but I guess I underestimated it. Somehow this is all tied together but I haven't figured out how yet.
antigua

 

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poster:antigua3 thread:875590
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090109/msgs/875715.html