Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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I want my therapist to be less careful

Posted by Dinah on January 22, 2009, at 12:47:50

I realize why he had learned to be careful. I knew and he knew that I knew that he had felt burned by the fact that I (in his words) "bite".

But in the last little while our relationship has gotten to the point where I am not nearly so likely to feel hurt by what he says because I am secure in his positive regard for me. If anything, I think he thinks better of me than I deserve.

I've tried to convey this to him, and he promises to try to be more open. Yet when I ask him to explain something he says, the explanation is far too often that he knows how much I hate to hear whatever it is he isn't saying.

I give him lots of positive reinforcement when he *is* honest with me. I loved how he said it the other day. "Yes, I do think you're stronger than you think you are, but I would never *say* that to you because I know how much you hate that phrase." It was perfect! It acknowledged my feelings, expressed his thoughts, and used gentle humor. I also loved when he admitted to sometimes feeling bored with me - though I'm relatively sure he said that in an unguarded moment, not on purpose. And last session he was even a teensy weensy bit honest with me about my strong dislike of anger.

Yet he also admitted that his response to something else was guided by the fact that I don't like to hear something.

There have been turning points in our relationship before, and I always am ahead of him in them. Then I manage to say something that makes it click for him, and he incorporates the change. I can't figure out what he needs to hear for this to click with him. How do I make him understand that as long as he says something with love and caring, that I trust him enough not to think he means it badly? And that if I am hurt, I trust the relationship enough to think I can work through it with him, without undue damage to me or to the relationship?

I can't seem to find the magic words. And it *is* a case of magic words. I tell him things over and over again, then I say it just right so that it fits like a key in the lock of his mind and opens our relationship to a new experience.

I'm probably like that too. :) I'm sure it's common.

Any thoughts to inspire me to new ways of saying this?




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