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Re: My so-called family Trotter

Posted by seldomseen on January 20, 2009, at 14:03:20

In reply to My so-called family, posted by Trotter on January 20, 2009, at 2:03:01

I do understand where you are, and I also understand the need you feel for your parents to accept culpabiity in some measure for your situation. Oh boy - do I!

I daresay that most of our parents have left a mark on very very many of us.

As someone who has/is traveling this very path I do have a few comments that are based solely on my experience.

I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I drew the short stick when it came to parents. To quote an infamous poster WOWSA! but that is an understatement. My mother is clearly mentally ill and my father, well, once someone knows better, they typically do better I guess.

You indicated that your mother didn't know how to love. Do you think that if she *had* known that things would've been different? Do you think she would've chosen differently?

I'm not saying they didn't contribute to your hurt, or fail to provide a positive model for love, but it seems to me that their intent wasn't malicious. IMO, one has to counterbalance intent with culpability.

I'm also a big believer in "situational badness" and I ulitmately realized that the rage I felt was at the situation, and not at the people. I was in a very bad, very unworkable situation at the time for all parties involved. I look at my parents now and I do not see bad people - even my mother is not a *bad* person per se. She can't help what she is.

Yeah, I still have to deal with the consequences, but that was the crappy crappy hand I was dealt. I grieve for my losses to this day. But I do view it as my life and it is now my job to make it as good as it can be.

I'm still working on making the relationship with my parents workable for me. It's really a process. Forgiveness is a process. Even if my parents had gotten down on their knees and apologized, that work would still need to be done. There is absolutely nothing my parents can do now to alleviate my burden unless they invented a time machine.

It is also my experience that trying to convince someone that they are wrong, only makes them dig their heels in and adopt a defensive stance. It just widens the gap. That's not to say that there isn't merit in the confrontation and being honest with your feelings.

But to be honest, sometimes I'd rather let some things slide and work towards something positive than be absolutely right and stagnate in the negative.

I guess my point is, if I actually have one and this isn't just rambling meaningless drivel, is that I think at this stage, the work is ours to do and not our parents.

Of course, if my father can apologize for some of his recent behaviour - anything, and I mean anything is possible.

Be safe.

Seldom.

 

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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090109/msgs/875168.html