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Re: My bubble has burst stellabystarlight

Posted by Wittgensteinz on January 17, 2009, at 16:33:55

In reply to Re: My bubble has burst Wittgensteinz, posted by stellabystarlight on January 17, 2009, at 14:33:25

Stella, it is comforting, thank you. I'm sorry you feel so down. Skiing is beautiful. I've been skiing a number of times in France and Switzerland. I love the feeling of whizzing down a mountainside. I love to go fast - it gives me a buzz. Don't be disheartened if you find it hard at first because it will come and when it does I'm sure you will be hooked!

Unfortunately I live in the flattest country in the world with no mountains so real skiing isn't an option. I'm following some courses since the new year - well I should say that was the idea but things have not gone so well. The problem is I am entering a different system - I come from England and now have to study in Dutch (a language I've only been learning properly for a few months) and the two education systems don't align so it's like jumping into a fog and is disheartening - my Dutch is quite good now but I'm not used to the type of language used in maths and chemistry, the courses I am following - it's not an everyday language and I'm the only foreigner in the class. I feel like an outsider and I feel stupid. I need to pass these courses in order to do the course I want to at university in September (I want to study medicine). I've given up on the lessons - I just can't follow them, so am studying at home with Dutch and English books and a dictionary - a lonesome mind-numbing task. I'm not used to struggling academically - it was my escape I think. I have to stay focused and not give in but this depression is creeping up on me. Maybe something is up in therapy too but I can't put my finger on it. I really want to achieve my goals but due to circumstance it is an uphill struggle at the moment. Another thing plaguing my mind at the moment is the feeling I am such a bad, flawed person I am not fit to walk this earth. If I go back to the pdoc it feels like I am confirming that. That sounds stupid I know but I felt he found me sicker than I am and I want to prove him wrong but it looks like despite my best efforts I'm going to go crawling back.

So, it is very much to do with circumstance - dreams and fears colliding.

Thanks for your message.





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