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Re: Deep Down Dinah

Posted by DAisym on January 17, 2009, at 1:43:03

In reply to Re: Deep Down, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2009, at 20:34:07

Words *are* so limiting. But try to imagine him speaking softly, soothingly - with the emphasis on the YOU. "You really are OK." Didn't feel minimizing.

But it does feel like a lot to live up to. Almost like, if I'm not OK, he'll be disappointed. You are really right - it is very lonely. I think it is a whole new skill - feeling connected and cared for while feeling OK in your life. Maybe it is just that the limits of our relationship are much more clear when he makes a list of the other supports in my life - those friends, etc.

I went to a training today with Peter Fonagy - from the Anna Freud Ctr in England. It was on attachment and mentalization. It was interesting to learn that Mother's are actually better at reading their infant's cues and feel more attached to their babies when the baby is smiling - not when the baby is crying or has a need. So this should tell me that my relationship to my therapist will be closer if I'm OK - which is a good thing.

I think it is just so complicated. What does OK mean? What does it look like? Can it be true one day and not the next?

I'm sure that he meant the OK to mean life in general, -not that I'm happy every minute or perfect everyday. But still - it feels like some new expectation that I have to live up to.

I completely agree about need vs. want. But I also know myself well enough to know that "deserve" is also in this mix. And "shouldn't." I'm envious of people who know how to just reach out and take the support they want without feeling like a big burden on everyone else.




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