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Re: Deep Down - Trigger antigua3

Posted by DAisym on January 17, 2009, at 0:45:19

In reply to Re: Deep Down DAisym, posted by antigua3 on January 16, 2009, at 11:02:51

He is gone for 10 days, which feels like forever.

I know all about worrying about secondary gains, and yet I'm pretty sure that I worry about that way more than my therapist does. I want to be "perfect" even in therapy - which means watching myself around all those boundaries and narcassistic wants and needs.

When I was a kid, I believed that there was this spot inside me that was unreachable by anything outside. I imagined it in my middle, like in the stomach area - and I imagined that this was the spot where I hid the "real" me - the me that wasn't dirty, or at fault. No matter what act was done or what kind of abuse - no matter what orifice something went into - it couldn't touch or taint me. I have no idea why I didn't imagine some secret part of my brain, but I didn't. I think I thought about it like those magician boxes where the assistant is in the box and swords are stuck in all around her, but she isn't hurt. Kind of stupid - but when I told my therapist about it this week, he said, "I like that. A way to keep yourself safe." (and yes, we talked about the swords and how I still think of penises as weapons.)

Maybe this is the piece that is OK - in the same spot, deep down.




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