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OMG, I had an inopportune breakdown

Posted by llurpsienoodle on January 8, 2009, at 16:01:05

So, I had my supervision today, that's where we talk about my cases. Also, my supervisor just completed a 9 page evaluation on my progress as a clinician, and it was quite positive, and she was enthusiastic.

Good Cop.

Then we had our staff meeting. Supervisor mentions to me in passing- oh yeah, so, you'll be presenting case XXXX, plan on 30 minutes. Um. gulp. I did well with all the theory stuff, but in terms of who's going to set up the meetings and what our goals are this week, I kinda flopped. my supervisor is firing questions at me, in her uniquely piercing way. I try to keep my cool. All is well. I look mildly disorganized/perhaps incompetent. sigh. whatever.

Then supervisor asks the group "how was this meeting, with us firing questions at each other?" I blurted out "I felt fired at... um, not that you guys are a firing squad, or anything..." I actually am very fond of my colleagues; they are smarties and fun to be around, very competent and respectful. I decided to shut up

After the meeting, my supervisor came up to me and asked me whether that meeting was really stressful to me-- how did I feel?.

Well, I mumbled, that it was really the icing on the cake, and started tearing up. She said "come with me" and I grabbed a kleenex on the way out of the very public office. She found an unoccupied room, and tears are running down my face (as they are now when I type this). And I told her that my mom has cancer, that I am doing my best at compartmentalizing it, but sometimes it just doesn't work. [damn HER for asking me how I felt]. Anyways, she was very kind and patient, and said that she had taken my emotional stability for granted, and probably pushed me a little too hard.

Damn saline secretions.

I had an appt. afterwards, which is good. I cried in the car on the way over. and stopped for the appt., and then started crying again when h asked me how my day was.

Felt like calling my T "SEE???!!! I DO have feelings"

Maybe it doesn't help that I spent an hour presenting a case with a dual PTSD/bipolar diagnosis. It's hard to be dispassionate and talk about symptoms, when I kind of own some of them myself. At least I have more knowledge than the average clinician of this particular confluence of symptoms...

sorry so rambling.
gimme a hug and a kleenex. I'm a mess.





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