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We both had our eyes at one point

Posted by Poet on September 5, 2008, at 17:02:32

In reply to Holy ---!!! Blown away by this Daisym, posted by Racer on September 5, 2008, at 1:22:53

I peeked and hers were shut. This was after she said can we talk about "sex." I must have looked horrified as she said let's both close our eyes.

Not seeing her made it easier and knowing she couldn't see how uncomfortable I was helped, too. T took it slow, didn't say the words outloud and let me cross my arms and legs and say I don't want to talk about certain things. I think that I was willing to dance around the issue and not run from it was a positive. What I love about my T is she never pushes me and so CSA was never said outloud just implied and hinted at. "Other things that have effected your desire to have sex."

She asked when I last had sex and I said over two years ago. She asked how I tolerated it before, I said I'm good at faking. I've always faked it. I She laughed and said "I know many women who are good at faking." The she asked what would happen if I told my husband I was faking and that he can have sex with me, but just don't delay it and get it over with. I told her I think he'd be insulted by that and would probably be mad that I faked it all these years.

She then suggested that I talk to him about my sensory defensiveness and how my feelings on being touched effect my sexual desire. I can try to do that.

T's other concern is that when I go to my parents house (they've gotten into a Friday lunch pattern with me) and my abuser lives below them. I pray he's not home, but today he was and just seeing him gets to me. T wants me to tell my parents we have to meet at the restaurant, which sometimes I do, but my mother always wants to know why. Even if I got mad and blurted out why she would never believe her baby boy could do something so horrible.

Thank you everyone for your ideas and support. It's wonderful to have a place where people get the horrors of CSA. If T continues to just hint and not say it outloud I may be able to slowly build up to saying the bad stuff outloud. Or at least Journal it and let her read it again.

Poet

 

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