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Re: Maternal transference (oh so long post) - Once onceupon

Posted by lucie lu on September 5, 2008, at 15:19:45

In reply to Re: Maternal transference (oh so long post), posted by onceupon on September 5, 2008, at 9:12:03

Onceupon - I saw my T this morning too, and decided to do something about the elephant in the office... and I really didn't know how to begin. But I stumbled upon a new method of entering into difficult waters. I told him about responding to your and JayMac's posts about mothering. It was pretty easy for me to admit to feeling needy right now. But then he asked me what my responses to your posts were. I told him as much as I remembered. I laughingly tried to deflect any follow-up by saying that I don't follow my own advice. But he didn't go for my diversion and asked me how that advice applied to me. Funny but I was able to talk about some of the more difficult feelings by getting them out sideways like this, you know? And toward the end of the session, he pointed out that I came into the session sort of tense and shaky and that I was much more relaxed. It was one of the closest sessions we've had in a while. And although I knew there was more down there, we agreed it was a start. I did leave the session feeling better and also felt that the door had been opened for going further. The thing is that as much as I don't want to talk about some things, holding them in doesn't feel good either. Letting them out, or at least starting to, definitely felt good.

My conclusion is that getting things across somehow in the third person can work if the first person is not ready to talk :)

Just thought I'd tell you that. Hope your session went well this morning. I'm interested in listening if you feel like talking.

Best, Lucie (not me, but her - LOL)
office - well, those I thought were my problem to bear alone. For quite a while, they were just something I never discussed, never even thought of discussing, and I was way too embarrassed about them to bring them up during the hour.
> Yeah, I feel the same way too. I do have other issues I'd like to be discussing in therapy :) but sometimes it's hard to focus on them when it feels like the big pink elephant is sitting in the middle of the room.
> > What broke the logjam for me was journaling, when I brought something in about the feelings he engendered in me. It was 3rd person, not like a Valentine or anything, written in journal style but it got the message across. He seemed really touched. After that, my longings, my loving feelings, my hurts (many seemed to me very childish but they really hurt all the same)all could be brought openly into therapy. It just took that one act to get things started. Maybe you can try something similar with your T.
> Thanks for the suggestion. I haven't even considered bringing my hurts into therapy, but they're there too. And you're right, they often feel childish, but excruciating all the same. I know I need to bring this up sooner or later, because it almost feels as if I can't get anything else productive done in therapy with this "secret" sitting heavy with me.
> > One of the surprises of therapy is that those longings that we try so hard to keep concealed and disowned are not side effects but actually the heart of the therapy. The longings represent places where we have been hurt. In therapy, those longings and other deep feelings should get taken out and, gently and carefully, examined to see where the hurt lies and how it might be repaired. So feeling bad and embarrassed for having those feelings is counter-productive as it serves to keep those deeper feelings hidden and out of the light of day and they can't be examined to help you
> > In short, try to accept the longings for what they are, accept that they are painful but they are also helpful in locating where the hurt is and what needs to be healed in you.
> Like a roadmap, almost, right? That's a really good way of looking at it. I think I'm at the point of working on acceptance. I've always wanted to disown those feelings, just not have them, but of course that just causes them to rear up all the more.
> > I hope you can talk with your T soon, it sounds like you are hurting and need to focus some work on healing in that area.
> >
> > Take care of yourself, and lots of hugs to you.
> > ((((((((((( Once ))))))))))))))
> >
> > Wishing you all the best, Lucie
> Thanks so much for your response and support, Lucie. I see my therapist this morning, and writing this post has helped me to feel a little more courage to bring up the topic. I doubt I'll get it all out, but even opening the door seems important at this point. Thanks for the hugs, too. They mean a lot :)




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