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Re: My husband is in therapy Tamar

Posted by Dinah on September 5, 2008, at 14:14:00

In reply to Re: My husband is in therapy onceupon, posted by Tamar on September 5, 2008, at 10:33:03

It's so complicated. Especially when kids are involved. Because obviously being yelled at is not good for them. But being a single parent is hard. And you're always connected to him through your kids. He'll be in their lives one way or another.

I don't want to put my husband down. He's great in many ways. But he has enormously high expectations and is difficult when anyone (including himself) doesn't live up to them. There are times when my son says things about his dad that break my heart, and times when I really want to apologize to my son for choosing my husband as his father.

I've told him myself that I wish I were a coworker, because he treats his coworkers with respect, while he is either mildly or loudly disapproving and disrespectful with me.

I could take it for myself, because I do see his point at times. But my son is wonderful and deserves all the respect in the world.

Fortunately those high expectations work in our favor as well. If he can be brought to see, either by us or often by a professional, that anyone as wonderful as he is wouldn't be acting the way he is acting, he pulls himself together and monitors his behavior.

There's a movie called "Four Seasons" with Alan Alda. My favorite words are marriage are in it. His character describes marriages as a wave. There are troughs and crests. At one point he tells his wife "This is a trough."

(My husband likes to quote the line where his character says with great calm composure 'I am enraged.', because that's the sort of thing I do. He all too often ignores the warning because it's given so calmly.)

One thing I have learned about renewing my own marriage is that it does a world of good to act 'as if' sometimes. When things are rotten, I try to step back and reestablish the relationship I want by acting as if it already exists. It *is* possible to fall in love again. It's just harder than the first time.

All that, of course, is the big *if* he's willing to treat you with the respect he wishes to be treated with. You can't do anything on your own, and your kids shouldn't have to live with someone who will yell at them all the time.

On a totally practical note, it's always wise to consult an attorney before moving to dissolve a marriage. It's no small undertaking to embark on a life as a single mother of three very young kids. While it is an emotional decision, it's also a logistical operation. :(

(((Tamar)))

I think it's wonderful that your therapist has been with you for all this. I know it's not all that easy to get long term therapy approval, and I'm so glad that it was possible. I remember you were worried.

 

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poster:Dinah thread:850366
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/850510.html