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Re: My husband is in therapy onceupon

Posted by Tamar on September 5, 2008, at 10:33:03

In reply to Re: My husband is in therapy, posted by onceupon on September 5, 2008, at 9:32:54

> You don't sound like a bitch to me. You sound like a woman who has too much self-respect to allow her partner to treat her like sh*t. Please know that in saying this, I'm not implying that if you choose to stay, that means you have no self-respect. I know how complicated the issue of staying vs. leaving can be, especially when it's not just you and your husband in the equation.

Thank you. It's sometimes hard to believe that his behaviour really is unacceptable. But it makes me feel like sh*t, so I guess that's the key.

> Some things can't be undone. It sounds like, in your mind, your husband's actions are too little, too late. And I would be inclined to agree. Even if your husband thinks, "Well, I went to therapy. I've covered my bases," it doesn't necessarily mean he'll feel compelled to change his behaviors.

Yes, exactly. Too little, too late. And I'm not completely convinced it will lead to long term change, because we've done couples therapy before and he was enthusiastic about making changes during the therapy, but two months after the therapy ended he stopped making the effort.

> Sorry if I come across too strongly here. It's hard not to see my own marital issues here. I'm in a similar boat, in that my husband has done some things that I once thought could be repaired, but as time goes by, it's dawning on me that his two affairs (one physical, one emotional) had caused me to lose respect and love for him. And, while I hold onto the ideal of the stable nuclear family that we were supposed to create, that dream is pretty much crumbling in front of me. Like you, I can't imagine being attracted to him or having sex with him ever again.

I'm so sorry you've been so badly hurt. Infidelity hasn't been an issue in my marriage, but in has happened to a couple of my close friends and they were devastated. They wanted to ask over and over, "Why?" And no reason was sufficient because the affairs were entirely unjustifiable (as affairs usually are, of course). It changed everything.

> I don't know if you've agonized about leaving in the same way that I have. It sounds like you've got small children too and ultimately, that's what's keeping me in the marriage.

Yes, you're right! I have three children: the youngest is three and the oldest is eight. And my husband screams at them too, and that's part of the dilemma. Am I well enough to cope with being a single parent if I leave my marriage? Or do I leave my children with my explosive husband? I can't do the latter. If he gets better with them, maybe I could do the former... i just don't know. I want do what's best for them but I simply don't know what that is at the moment.

> I hope you keep posting about your process. If you're cool with it, I'd like to give you a hug (Tamar). I know how devastating all of this can feel.

Thank you for the hug. I like hugs. Here's one for you too: (onceupon)




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