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Re: My husband is in therapy Daisym

Posted by Tamar on September 5, 2008, at 9:53:14

In reply to Re: My husband is in therapy, posted by Daisym on September 5, 2008, at 0:54:29

> Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. My husband went to therapy AFTER I left. But he went truly wanting to change and wanting me to come back. And I really wanted him to change but it was too late for me. Sometimes the damage is too extensive to save things. I think he sensed this because he stopped after a few weeks having figured out with this therapist that he was "perfectly fine" -- it was me who was all screwed up. *sigh* And after he quit his own therapy, he decided therapy had made me leave him.

I've heard that kind of thing before, about the husband deciding his wife left because of her therapy. I suppose it's inevitable when people refuse to look at their own shortcomings.

> I guess I'm saying, yes, you can be done. It makes it all very sad, not you a bitch.
> This is hard to admit but I have figured out that before I left, I didn't truly want him to be better because I wanted ending our marriage to be his fault. Not that I provoked him and God knows he was a jerk. But if he had really tried to work on himself then I'd have had to try to let him make it up to me and I just couldn't.

I feel exactly the same way at the moment. Since my husband's appointment I've been feeling incredibly angry. Part of my anger has been about recognising that things really have been that bad, but part of it is anger at the idea that I might have to stay and work things out with him, and that my fantasy of escape won't come true. Maybe I simply have to accept that if I leave it could be my fault...

> And, even harder to admit, I didn't want him to have the caring and acceptance from a therapist that I had with mine. I was so mad and hurt that I wanted him to suffer, and suffer I had.

Yeah. Mind you, I think my husband's therapy will be quite short term and CBT, so I don't worry too much about him getting the kind of caring that I do.

> Unlike you, it never occurred to me that I didn't have to have sex with him. Even when I moved across the hall right before I moved out, he came in and got in bed with me. Sad, huh?

It took me ages to realise I didn't have to have sex with him, but once I made the decision it was easier than I'd expected. I imagine it was different for you because of your history. If sex is done to you without your consent (and when consent simply isn't possible because of your age), then it must be very difficult to imagine yourself as having any agency in sexual relationships.

> I'm not saying you shouldn't try to work things out. But acknowledging someone has changed doesn't undo what they did. It will be better for your kids if he is less angry. He will be a better person for you to call your "ex-" if he takes a look at himself. Therapy is usually an eye-opener for people.

You're so right about the kids. And I really hope the therapy does open his eyes and help him to be a better person and a happier person.

Thanks for your wise words!




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