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Re: Maternal transference (oh so long post)

Posted by onceupon on September 5, 2008, at 9:12:03

In reply to Re: Maternal transference (oh so long post) onceupon, posted by lucie lu on September 4, 2008, at 21:08:31

> Once,
> Your longings resonate within me and many others, I suspect. It is so hard to face neediness and vulnerability inside ourselves. We pretend that the longings aren't there but they can eat away at you, forcing you to pay attention.

Yes! I feel like I've been forced to pay attention, despite my best efforts to ignore or downplay or dissociate away from the feelings.

> Early on in therapy it seemed to me that my longings for my T were more or less a side effect of treatment. My view was that I would go to his office and get "therapized," and any pain associated with the therapy itself (i.e. the longings) which started hurting after I left his office - well, those I thought were my problem to bear alone. For quite a while, they were just something I never discussed, never even thought of discussing, and I was way too embarrassed about them to bring them up during the hour.

Yeah, I feel the same way too. I do have other issues I'd like to be discussing in therapy :) but sometimes it's hard to focus on them when it feels like the big pink elephant is sitting in the middle of the room.

> What broke the logjam for me was journaling, when I brought something in about the feelings he engendered in me. It was 3rd person, not like a Valentine or anything, written in journal style but it got the message across. He seemed really touched. After that, my longings, my loving feelings, my hurts (many seemed to me very childish but they really hurt all the same)all could be brought openly into therapy. It just took that one act to get things started. Maybe you can try something similar with your T.

Thanks for the suggestion. I haven't even considered bringing my hurts into therapy, but they're there too. And you're right, they often feel childish, but excruciating all the same. I know I need to bring this up sooner or later, because it almost feels as if I can't get anything else productive done in therapy with this "secret" sitting heavy with me.

> One of the surprises of therapy is that those longings that we try so hard to keep concealed and disowned are not side effects but actually the heart of the therapy. The longings represent places where we have been hurt. In therapy, those longings and other deep feelings should get taken out and, gently and carefully, examined to see where the hurt lies and how it might be repaired. So feeling bad and embarrassed for having those feelings is counter-productive as it serves to keep those deeper feelings hidden and out of the light of day and they can't be examined to help you

> In short, try to accept the longings for what they are, accept that they are painful but they are also helpful in locating where the hurt is and what needs to be healed in you.

Like a roadmap, almost, right? That's a really good way of looking at it. I think I'm at the point of working on acceptance. I've always wanted to disown those feelings, just not have them, but of course that just causes them to rear up all the more.

> I hope you can talk with your T soon, it sounds like you are hurting and need to focus some work on healing in that area.
> Take care of yourself, and lots of hugs to you.
> ((((((((((( Once ))))))))))))))
> Wishing you all the best, Lucie

Thanks so much for your response and support, Lucie. I see my therapist this morning, and writing this post has helped me to feel a little more courage to bring up the topic. I doubt I'll get it all out, but even opening the door seems important at this point. Thanks for the hugs, too. They mean a lot :)




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