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Re: My husband is in therapy Tamar

Posted by lucie lu on September 4, 2008, at 18:35:42

In reply to My husband is in therapy, posted by Tamar on September 4, 2008, at 16:55:06

Tamar,

I felt sad reading your post, especially because I went through something similar and I know how awful it feels. It s*cks.

First of all, even though you made a request of him, presumably there was an implied time frame. Months later was not part of your request! So you definitely should not feel like a b*tch.

We probably read the same books and have similar responses to poorly-controlled anger. Actually, who wouldn't? Inappropriate or extreme expressions of anger are relationship killers.

Luckily, our marriage managed to survive, although sometimes the present echoes the past, but it was not wthout major changes in us as individuals and as a couple. Although my H is resistant to therapy, he agreed to trying some A/Ds, which his PCP prescribed. This actually helped to tone down his outbursts, which made me think that there may have been some biological component. Before, the outbursts would of course distance him from others, which would make him angrier and more depressed, and angrier, and... you get the picture.

And finally - and I am not at all suggesting this might be your case at all because I don't know you or your husband - the progress I was making in my own therapy by this time made me realize that although I was in no way "asking for it" or "deserved" unacceptable behavior, I was participating in relational dynamics that were destructive. These problems so quickly become vicious cycles! My contribution was trauma related and as I contnued to heal, and with my T's help, things began to change between us. And BTW, sex cannot help but go south when you don't feel safe together.

To summarize, I think the things that changed the trajectory for us were his taking the A/D's (which I'm convinced really helped) and my ongoing trauma therapy and healing.

Anyway I hope there is something in this rambling acount that might be helpful, even if it is only my empathy for you and your situation. I really hope things work out for you.

Take care, Lucie ((((Tamar))))


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poster:lucie lu thread:850366
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