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step dancing - forward, back JayMac

Posted by lucie lu on September 3, 2008, at 9:06:51

In reply to Re: invisibility - tamar and caraher, posted by JayMac on September 2, 2008, at 20:02:28

> > I'm sorry, that was my short-hand term for an aspect of my past that was in fact related to everyone in my family being alcoholic. I really don't know what "card-carrying" ACOA's are prone to feel because I've never actually looked into it that way. The way I see it, having alcoholic caretakers can lead one of two general ways - intrusive, violent, etc in which case maybe invisibility might be a good thing! But you could also go the other way and have no one because everyone's passed out or checked out most or all of the time. If there are no compensating adults available, it is another, different kind of tough childhood experience, can be identity-threatening at its worst and most elemental (if a tree falls in the woods...?) So invisibility is sort of my code word for aspects of that experience, one that was used a lot when my T and I were really in this life-or-death sort of struggle for the longest time, years when I couldn't tolerate his holding me but also thought I would die if I let go. Eventually thank God we both won and it had MOSTLY resolved for quite a long while. Until it suddenly reappeared again this week. That's why I was so unnerved when it suddenly chose to reappear when I had been DOING SO WELL! Argg!
> Hi Lucie,
> I just wanted to say that first of all, it sounds like you have been on a long journey. Second, you are still doing very well! Third, you have an amazing T. Fourth, I'm a firm believer that sometimes we need to take 2 steps back *before* we can take 5 steps forward. It's something that I've dealt with again and again and again and again.

Hi Jay,

Thank you on all counts. Yes, it has been a long journey - have required mental health services for most of my life until I met him. He is truly amazing. It took me a long time to accept that because, how could I be so lucky to have someone like him so committed to me? I managed to convince myself that he was really either a covert clock-watcher or else just a super-duper killer good T who did all this for everyone and not just for me. Finally I figured out that he couldn't possibly do all this for all of his patients and be able to keep his health and sanity. I should have just listened to how I felt inside and just trusted it.

> Maybe you and others can relate, sometimes I feel like I'm stepping back so much that I will never go forward. I feel stuck. Something inside me tells me that I will be lifted up again, but it takes time and I have a hard time believing in myself. When I do get the strength back, I go further forward than I could have expected.


> Although I or you go may back a few steps, inevitability, it was, and is, all a part of the plan!
> Hope that helps. Take Care! =)
> Jay
> Thanks for your good thoughts.





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