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Re: An Update - long, mild triggers Tamar

Posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 23:00:03

In reply to Re: An Update - long, mild triggers Daisym, posted by Tamar on September 1, 2008, at 16:26:55

It's so great that you met someone! And yeah, I've noticed too that just as things start feeling a bit better, something comes out of (what seems like) nowhere and hits me in the guts. I tend to hope it's because I'm in a better place to be able to deal with it, but it doesn't usually feel that way.

********I suspect this is somewhat true in this case. I've been holding things off all summer because I've been injured. Now that my body is healing, my mind is taking its turn again. I wish I didn't still feel in parts and pieces, I'm beginning to wonder if that will ever go away.

I'm so glad your therapist realised what was wrong without your having to spell it out to him. Mine does that sometimes, and it makes life a bit more bearable. (When he doesn't realise, it takes me months to bring it up again.)

********I'm glad too. I think this is one of those things that could have gone away again but it would have fueled a big depression. I keep asking myself why I haven't learned that bringing stuff up is easier for both of us than me stewing about something privately. After all, isn't that why we go to therapy? (She says to herself pointedly.)

I admire his description of what went wrong: that he dissociated away from the memory with you. I think that makes a lot of sense. I can also imagine he was very happy for you for your new relationship and that, perhaps like you, it seemed unfair to him that you had this awful memory just when things were seeming better. And at the same time, a patient's new relationship can also cause changes in the countertransference, so maybe he needed to adjust to that a little.

**********I think we are both struggling with this a bit. Somehow I want him to be protective and jealous at the same time. And someone else suggested that perhaps I'm being mysterious with my therapist a bit - kind of like practice flirting. And I think he does feel protective and even a bit anxious for me. He doesn't want me to push myself too hard and get triggered badly. And he doesn't want me to hold back from an opportunity that may well be a lot of fun. Go slow, he keeps saying. I expressed some fears about losing him because things were better and he said that I might be surprised by the new needs for him - good things need processing too.

You know, I've never imagined you as a difficult patient. Of course your material is sometimes horrific, but your own bravery in facing it is undoubtedly a source of inspiration to your therapist. You're so courageous and committed to the therapeutic work that I always imagine your therapist must find working with you very rewarding, and I'm sure he admires you enormously.

******Thank you. On occasion my therapist will remind me that I haven't trashed my life and that the work I do makes a difference. I think I'm difficult in several ways but perhaps challenging is a better word. :) Studying mental health and wellness, particularly trauma in children, has given me a new vocabulary and understanding of theory. And yet when I feel young and small, everything I know goes out the window. I wonder if he finds that odd or frustrating? Mainly, it is the suicidal feelings that I think are enormously hard for him. We've come to understand that most of the feelings are old and are from parts that want the pain to end. But when they are activated, his anxiety goes up, which he freely admits.

btw - it is nice to see you here. I'm sorry to read you are struggling at the moment. Sounds like you are still with the same therapist - which is a good thing, yes? I had occasion to think about our long thread about touch recently. I've never forgotten the importance of the handshake you wrote about. I'm glad I get the opportunity to thank you for that exchange. It has informed some of the choices I've made about how I work with moms and babies.




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