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Re: An Update - long, mild triggers sunnydays

Posted by Daisym on September 1, 2008, at 22:35:48

In reply to Re: An Update - long, mild triggers Daisym, posted by sunnydays on September 1, 2008, at 11:04:59

I hate it when we don't get back to something that I thought was really really important but don't have the courage to bring up a second time. I just recently this week brought up something that happened months ago that I haven't been able to bring up again until now. I sometimes get surprised that my T doesn't seem to 'get' how big certain things are to me.
*********We talked about this a long time this weekend. I totally understand that it is my responsibility to bring things up that I want to talk about. But when you drop something out there that is difficult and scary, I do think the therapist should at least provide openings for you to go back to it. To either say or show, "it was OK that you told me, we can talk about it and I don't think any less of you." I think this is particularly true for those of us who had mothers who were dismissing or unseeing. They never picked up the hints we were leaving that something bad was going on.

It sounds like your T is beginning to show you he is human too, and that the idealization phase might be waning. This happened a lot recently with my T, and my T says that being able to show him anger like that is a sign that I am 'growing up' internally because it is acting more like a teenager with him and less like a little kid. And he says that is a good thing.
***********I'm pretty sure I stopped idealizing him a few years ago. We had a particularly bad period where my transference was over the top and he pushed back in a way that was hurtful. We learned a lot from that experience. And there has been another huge episode where his anger got away from him - not directed at me but at what happened to me. I actually went and got a consult about it. The therapist I talked with was wise enough to point out that this was an opportunity for me to stand up for myself with someone I cared about and tell them that their anger was scary. I've been angry with him plenty of times - I've quit therapy a number of times and I tell him frequently how much I hate that his wife works right next door. This is a much too human quality.

But I know how very hard it is to have something like that that you need to talk about it and they can't just read your mind or they make a mistake and don't bring something up again. I'm glad you eventually were able to at least express the anger and were able to connect with him over the weekend.

*********I think they should teach this is school - mind reading for therapists. Seriously though, I do think it is great that he will take ownership of his part of the ruptures or will say when he makes a mistake. I know many therapists think calling the client is bad or wrong or whatever. It works for me and it makes things more even somehow.

You will figure it out. Isn't 'rupture and repair' supposed to be one of those healing things about therapy? It's so hard on us, though, I kind of wish it could always be perfect and good.

You are so brave, Daisy. Your T can handle this new memory, and you two will work past the rupture. You can do it! Keep on keeping on.

********I don't know about brave, Sunny. I feel sort of desperate half the time. I have to tell him because it is too hard not to. And it is so lonely to keep all these things inside - it feels too much like the way it was. I really hope we can handle this new memory together, it is a pretty bad one. I need less rupture this week and more repair. I suspect that is up to me.




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