Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Just talking, just Getting It Out Damn It

Posted by susan47 on September 1, 2008, at 11:02:34

In reply to Re: validation seldomseen, posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 15:15:03

>> >
> > I think we give a lot of credence to people we shouldn't because they say what we are most comfortable hearing. I suspect we may even seek out the bad sometimes. We are used to it "fitting" with what we think of ourselves. It may be evil, but it's a known evil.
Dear old dad: "You're so ugly, you should see your face when you don't smile" "Who would want you? You're ugly" And other things, things I don't remember anymore, not right now, not this moment.
I wish I were really young again, so I could live my life the way it should have been lived.
Maybe now, at this old age, I can do it. Because one day I'll look at when I was 51 and say, "Wasn't I young then?" After all, the aches and pains are only just starting, and I know I can fend them off. Tae Kwon Do girl.

There are some things I can still do.
I can still love myself, the way I should have been loved, and wasn't.

> Yes, I think we do. I'm not sure we seek it out because we feel comfortable with it, though. I'm more inclined to think it's recreating the old relationship so that we can Do It Right This Time, combined with a high level of tolerance for being treated badly.

My ex-T only treated me badly when he didn't believe in me, and I think that was most often.

I refuse to be seen that sick way anymore. It isn't true, it isn't real, and I can believe in myself, and I do. I have to. It's do that, or die not knowing I was a good, decent, kind, lovely person. As my father will wonder, he will wonder to his dying breath if he could have done it all differently. And this eats him today, Ibelieve, in his terminal illness, having been diagnosed with bladder cancer and now taking my two sons sailing with him .. and I wonder how this will turn out.

Will my children (24 and 12) ... will they be okay? Will they be more than okay, will their egos more than survive and vitriol thrown their way by a bitter old man ... oh, God.

And back to my therapist.
It was a masochistic love that I felt.
It was a complete annihilation of myself.
And I am angry.
The fool allowed it to (a) happen, and (b) continue.
I am so angry with him.
I am so angry with his need to be admired, to be controlling and controlled also, his need to be seen as Special almost killed me.




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poster:susan47 thread:849022