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Re: Trying not to call therapist - coming here instead FindingMyDesire

Posted by Racer on August 31, 2008, at 7:22:45

In reply to Trying not to call therapist - coming here instead, posted by FindingMyDesire on August 31, 2008, at 3:42:27

> for now. I feel guilty right off because I am not yet giving to this forum what I have taken. Hopefully I will get there.

Uh-oh, let's go check the score-card, see what the current totals are.

There is no score care here, you are welcome to come and ACCEPT what we FREELY CHOOSE to GIVE you when you need it. You probably give back more than you know, which really isn't the point: please notice the words above. You can't "take" comfort and support and advice "from" me -- I don't have to read your posts, I don't have to answer you. If you receive any support or comfort from me directly, it's because I chose to offer it to you, freely, of my own volition. It is a gift offered, not a form of acceptance tax -- and really, there's no one keeping score.

>She launched into more seeing me - good stuff - about where some of that might come from ... but what she didn't do was reassure me about her. I just felt rejected somehow. Why can't she just look at me and tell me she won't do that to me?

Maybe she thought you were telling her that you knew she saw you, maybe she thought she was showing you the threads of what you'd told her?

And maybe it really was a blooper on her part -- maybe she was so enthusiastic about that particular step on your part, that she forgot to reassure you before showing you where it came from.

After all, therapists are human, they're not perfect. Except mine, of course -- and even she makes mistakes... ;-)

> It's like she thinks I'm farther along than I am. Does that make sense to anyone? I'm just trying them on. I feel like I could crash at any moment. They aren't integrated yet. To me, they are still *her voice* but she is so quick - just too quick to explain to me how they are mine. Why does that hurt me?

Yes, it makes sense, yes I've had similar feelings, and yes, there is a reason it's hurting you.

I don't know you, so I have no idea of the exact reason for that hurt, but I can guess at what might cause me to feel hurt in that situation, though. Maybe that will help you clarify what's triggering it for you?

For instance, being told that the healthier self-talk really is me, not her might feel like rejection to me. It might feel -- heck, lemme just say it: it would feel as though I went to Mommy for reassurance that I had done it right, and been told "be a big girl, Mommy can't do everything for you." (Come to think of it -- I was told that, which is why I'm in therapy now... Hm...) In that sense, it would be something she didn't do -- and my maybe not quite so healthy interpretation of it that combined to lead to that feeling. If that makes sense.

My therapist and I go through rough patches, where we'll have a few weeks of not working well together. It's starting to form a pattern, I think, which worries me, but the important part is the last problem we had: I was slipping badly, and she wasn't noticing quite what was happening and pushing me in areas that weren't right at that time. When I brought it up, she said something along the lines of, "what you're talking about needing right now is the little girl part -- we've gotten past that, though, to the adolescent part..." And then we had a very bad rest of the session with me trying to articulate why that was upsetting me. (Other than the fact that I am too Spock-like to have an easy time with "little girl" and "adolescent" being applied to my middle aged self, of course...) The next session, I was better able to articulate what I meant -- that I heard, "you have to be a big girl, you have to do it yourself," and that that was NOT what she was trying communicate (it better not be, by the way), which was much more along the lines of, "OK, that's one feeling -- but you're a smart, capable, competent adult and can try on that perspective as well and see what happens." I felt the difference, although I'm not sure if it's gonna be as visceral for anyone else. Once I was able to articulate that, though, something kinda amazing happened:

She admitted that she'd contributed something from left field in that one -- she's been frustrated by my absolute rejection of the CBT model. She keeps telling me, "but we do cognitive work in here, too," and I keep saying back, "we do cognitive work, which is DIFFERENT from doing CBT." I had a very traumatic therapy experience with included an absolute focus on absolute and total control of any expression of emotion using purely CBT techniques. Obviously, not used as intended, but as soon as CBT noises are made, I go into the emotional flashback and freeze. She knows about what happened, and periodically we talk about how pathetic and contemptible I feel because I am still suffering so much from it after several years, but it seems to be something she doesn't "get." Which always feels lousy.

Speaking of feeling lousy, I am having a huge problem with insomnia -- can't sleep tonight, after not sleeping much last night. Very unlike me, really, but it's left me feeling pretty lousy. I don't think I have the energy to proof read this post, and I know I can't edit it, so I hope you'll accept my clumsy offer of these thoughts to you.

And my Inner Non-Vulcan says, "I like the idea of writing down your feelings, coming here for reassurance and comfort, maybe journaling about what's coming up for you -- and I really hope you feel better soonest."

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming...




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