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Trying not to call therapist - coming here instead

Posted by FindingMyDesire on August 31, 2008, at 3:42:27

for now. I feel guilty right off because I am not yet giving to this forum what I have taken. Hopefully I will get there.

Tonight I just need to get something out instead of picking up the phone. I've only called my therapist about something other than scheduling once in two years, but if I call I will go on and on I'm sure (just like this post).

Things have been great with me in my life and with the work with the T in the last two months. There is some serious progress happening. So it's no surprise that I'm panicking tonight.

The session started badly - she seemed "off" and I didn't say anything. She's *rarely* like that. I could have made it up but in any case I retreated just enough to make me feel distracted and distanced through most of the session.

Then, I said one of the most vulnerable things I have ever said. I was having a moment of being seen by her and instead of retreating into the darkness that is my head out of fear for feeling good about it, I told her what was happening for me. (Something we always talk about after the fact and more intellectually than anything.) But right in the moment I said in response to a gentle question she asked about what I was feeling, "I'm afraid that if I let you know that I feel good about you seeing me that you will take it away." I was so terrified when I said it I could hardly breathe and it took everything not to burst into tears. She launched into more seeing me - good stuff - about where some of that might come from - my dad, girlfriends in middle school, other adults in my life - but what she didn't do was reassure me about her. Are they just not allowed to do that?!?!?! I was so in a moment with her. HER. OK, so transference is obviously at play, but she is a *real* person that I'm *actually* attached to now. I just felt rejected somehow. Why can't she just look at me and tell me she won't do that to me? Maybe she did say something and I didn't hear it. I don't know. It's 1:30 AM and I can't sleep so I don't think she did...

THEN, of course I was already in a state as we MOVED ON to other things. There were two other things we talked about (that would just take a novel to explain) where I felt like she wasn't being *in it* with me. She was holding the space and helping me look at things from various angles (as she so beautifully does) but I just wasn't getting what I wanted.

It's like she thinks I'm farther along than I am. Does that make sense to anyone? I have started trying out new positive internal voices and making HUGE changes in my life for the better... but 'don't leave me yet!!!! I need you!' That's what I feel like saying. Those new voices are not mine yet - they come from the messages she gives me directly or indirectly. I'm just trying them on. I feel like I could crash at any moment. They aren't integrated yet. To me, they are still *her voice* but she is so quick - just too quick to explain to me how they are mine. Why does that hurt me?

UGH. I feel angry (and I don't like to feel that one). I just want to call her up and leave all of this on her voice mail. By THURSDAY I may not say it. By THURSDAY I could crash. Progress lost. The feeling of rejection could take over.




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