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Re: RSK is onto something regarding responsibility

Posted by susan47 on August 30, 2008, at 17:14:47

In reply to RSK is onto something regarding responsibility » susan47, posted by Racer on August 30, 2008, at 1:49:11

> First of all, the therapist is the professional, and is the one who's supposed to recognize problems. That's why the client pays the therapist, not the other way around, right?

So does this mean I am entitled to a Refund? That would be lovely. I deserve one, I'm quite sure about about that.

> That's a trigger point for me this week, by the way, so if that wasn't helpful, ignore it.

We are supposed to pay them it seems no matter how much they are allowed to hurt us.

> What I really wanted to say, though, was this:
> I am anorexic -- although, as anyone with AN will tell you, "no I'm not, people only think I am" -- and probably the hardest part for me is that I KNOW how crazy I am sometimes. I know that I'm not rational. I know that my thinking is distorted. I know that what's going on inside my head is, you know, just f'ing nuts sometimes. (Don't I sound pathetic, now that I look at it that way...) I know all that -- and it makes no difference whatsoever.

I totally get what you are saying. Knowing about your own thinking processes is a double-edged sword, as NO ONE is rational 100% of the time but most people absolutely do not see that about themselves. Some do. The ones who see it and can't change it on their own, who seek help and find the help isn't adequate but is parading itself as being so .. there's the rub.

> I'm sharing this with you, Susan, because I want you to know that you're not alone with some of this. It's not hard to make oneself crazy with the "I should not have had this problem" thinking. It's not helpful, all it does is feed the worst feelings. I try very hard to think about what I'd say to someone else with the same story as mine -- I know I'd be a lot more compassionate towards anyone else. I like to think I am compassionate, supportive, comforting, and a nurturing to my friends, so I try to remember to use some of the same qualities in my self-talk.
> Susan, did something happen recently that brought this up for you? It seemed as though you had more distance from this not that long ago. I know that I sometimes use my own treatment trauma against myself -- mostly the same sorts of things you seem to be saying to yourself -- but it's really the expression of increasing depression, dissatisfaction with other parts of my life, stress, insecurity, etc. Do you think this might be some sort of displacement on your part?

I'm feeling a lot of pressure to move forward in my life; I've been diagnosed Borderline which was a huge shock and depressing too not to mention suffering depression not to mention being a drug addict not to mention having identity problems not to mention the almost-conversion from being Atheist to Christian, not to mention the Reiki or the Soul Retrieval, not to mention I am stark f*ck*ng raving TIRED of not feeling what I WISH to be feeling, which is IN LOVE the way I was in love with cw, which he is really just a therapist who's getting old and is very middle of the road but helps people because they let him. And because he believes he can, what was it that someone said whatever you believe you can, you can and whatever you believe you can't, you can't. So believe in yourself .. he has a belief, a real Belief in himself, it's the thing that allowed him to Shut Me Down, to close me out, to break my life's blood here on the altar of forgiveness, I FORGIVE YOU damn it, you hurt me he laid me open and made my soul BLEED, let me bleed into his heart, and his heart hurts worse than mine does, I think my heart hurts? How much does the heart of someone who's been psychically wronged really hurt?

So yes, I'm being triggered all over the f*ck*ng place lately, Racer, and you STILL haven't told me your story....
> Best luck, and I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you, I'm doing the best I can to be vital and alive; most moments are like sludging through mud.




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