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Re: My Story?

Posted by susan47 on August 30, 2008, at 13:27:22

In reply to Re: My Story?, posted by Nadezda on August 30, 2008, at 12:06:18

> I've been trying to think, too, about what's missing from your story, and Racer might be onto something. You think almost exclusively about how someone else (in this case your ex-T) felt and feels-- about himself, about the situation, about you-- and how you felt about him--- (you need him, you love him, you want him, you hate him, and many other things), and how you feel about your feelings about him (you hate yourself, you feel that you're out of control, you feel desperate to contact him, to hear his voice).
> Seriously-- and I hope you forgive me for saying so-- this is the inverse of the story about the narcissicist who says, "So let's talk about you. What do you think of me?"

So true. So let's talk about me. What do I think of you? And I proceed to make it all about him when actually it's all about me. And I am playing that role to perfection, really, by being discovered to be a Borderline... now I have to drop the way I think of him. Because the reverberations on a psychic level are too great. No matter whether he ever reads this shite. Because to him, I fully expect it to be that.
Interesting, that I think this. What? Now what?

> I saw my parents do this with people. Take them in-- and enjoy their admiration and need, up to a point-- and then get rid of them when they proved too much trouble, when the need got too raw.

Is this what the Therapist did to me? With me? With my willing help? Why would I willingly help him do this? Because I craved attention too? I suspect so. I had to be found out to be as terrible as I've always been told I am .. I'm ugly, for one thing. Truly grotesque, a creature with a horned snout and beaky little eyes.
Breath that's truly, gaspingly foul. The reek of a thousand dead carcasses.
Heh heh.

> But the point is not how awful my parents were. The point is, I (or these people) were not seen for themselves, and not supported to move on. And their lost futures are what matters, not my parents.
Do I have a future?

> Maybe this T needed your love, in a way that gave you nothing with which to move on to your own life. That's a type of relationship that has its roots deep in one's history -- that is, getting caught up with someone who acts that out with you, but can't help you with it.,
Yes. Or chooses not to help, because of their own psychopathic reasons? What is the truth, here? Why do I need the truth? There was certainly never any trust in the "therapeutic" (excuse me while I piss myself laughing) relationship.

> I believe in the Susan who remembers him, but has gone on to her own, productive, happier life. But I don't think he did--

This makes him an *ssh*l* not worth a second thought. How could I fall in LOVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT????

..."or you do."

But I want to. I want to see myself as strong. I want to see myself as healthy. I want to see myself as good.

Doesn't she have any rights? What happened to her? I think she desperately needs someone who can help her do that-- who can make you make it real, and liveable and very worthwhile. Isn't there some way you- as you are now-- could believe in that and really achieve that-- perhaps with some help?
> Nadezda

Desperate is the operative word, sister.




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