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Re: Negative transference/anger at therapist Cal

Posted by susan47 on August 30, 2008, at 12:08:48

In reply to Re: Negative transference/anger at therapist, posted by Cal on August 19, 2008, at 12:00:24

I don't know if you've posted more about this below but my feeling Cal, is you're still around and reading, my feeling is that you should stay through your feelings DON'T GIVE UP because you feel negative feelings. Negative emotions are part of every relationship including a loving one and your therapist sounds very good; you have to learn that her disappointing you isn't a threat. Ride out your feelings. Are you getting any DBT?

> > Hi, I wanted to ask if people here have experienced intense negative transference towards their therapist. Or intense anger. I am feeling SOOOOOOOOO angry at my therapist, I feel in a way that I hate her and I can never trust her again and on and on. Part of it is that she disappointed me, I feel that she wasn't sensitive about something that was very important to me and, in my opinion, to our relationship. And I am so angry about it ( and a few other things she has said in the past month that bothered me ) that i feel sick to my stomach all the time.
> >
> > We started to talk about it last session but I was so angry I could hardly speak. And also I am afraid of being so angry at her, that I will hurt her feelings or she will get defensive or get mad at me, etc. Which she said puts her in a corner because when I say I am afraid of that, then she really "can't" be any of those things (mad at me or hurt or whatever). Which also made me mad that she said that, I just wanted her to say, "i promise i won't be mad or hurt or defensive, just tell me what you are angry about." instead of saying that we can handle however she reacts.
> >
> > i feel like i want to be able to tell her ANYTHING, even if i am enraged at her, and that she will be unflappable and won't have an emotional reaction towards me. but she says that then she isn't in a real relationship with me, that people react when someone says they are very angry at them for something they did or didn't do, and if she doesn't have an emotional reaction, then we aren't really in an intimate relationship. and that what's more important is that she can get frustrated or mad at me and i can get frustrated or mad at her and we can talk about it and work thru it and that our relationship can withstand it and i can know that she will not leave or abandon me or hold anything against me and she will still love me, which is not something i was able to experience with either of my parents growing up. and that THAT'S true intimacy. she also said that people who love each other sometimes get angry at each other. it's part of loving someone. I told her i just want the good stuff, the loving feelings, and not the other stuff.
> >
> > what do you all think of those things?
> >
> > anyway i was reading on the internet last night about negative transference and i did realize that some anger is from that, is from a deep pit of anger towards my parents. and also, as some of you might remember, i am STILL waiting to find out if i am going to be staying here in israel or leaving for america for good, but either way i am going to america for the summer and so i also know i am having intense separation anxiety and that always creates tremendous anger in me. (like when she goes on vacation. it's the same even if i am the one leaving for vacation).
> >
> > yet some of it is also real. i am seeing her again tomorrow and am so angry that i sort of want to cancel. i want to say "f*** it" about this whole relationship. i can't handle the disappointments or mistakes she makes sometimes. (what i see as mistakes). i want to just tell her everything that makes me angry and has made me angry at her even though i know it will hurt her feelings. i sort of want to push her away. i want to tell her that i hate her and that i don't trust her not to hurt me. (i know what she'll say...that she would never intentionally hurt me, but that in intimate relationships we do UNintentionally hurt each other sometimes). Again, it's part of being in an intimate relationship.
> >
> > at the same time i don't want to tell her anything b/c i don't want her to have the satisfaction that i even care that much. even i am infuriated that i am so infuriated, that i care this much.
> >
> > i am overwhelmed by the intensity of my anger towards her.
> >
> > anyone experience this with someone whom they otherwise feel is a good therapist and towards whom you normally have a good relationship with? what happened? were you able to work thru it? what do you make of this? it's so upsetting for me. i haven't called her in 5 days which is the longest i've ever gone without calling her between sessions.
> >
> > LG
> >
> > p.s. sorry so long and rambling.
>
> -----------------------------------------------
>
> Yes this relates to my other post entitled "why"! where is this person? Are you still around?
>
>


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