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Re: Need to be taken seriously Annierose

Posted by wishingstar on August 26, 2008, at 19:13:55

In reply to Re: Need to be taken seriously, posted by Annierose on August 26, 2008, at 10:20:07

I'm not blaming my T for what's going on any more than I blame myself. In fact, the thing that makes all this so upsetting is the very fact that I blame myself and feel worthless because I cant fix it. The reason suicidal thoughts have begun to develop for me again, and my depression has gotten worse, is mostly because of the fact that I absolutely, 100% blame myself for these problems. My self worth is completely gone and no matter how much others in my life (professionals and not) tell me it's clearly not my fault, I cant believe it. But recognition of patterns/problems/etc doesnt get me very far. I verbalize what I'm feeling and what I think is going on, and get told I'm wrong. For instance, just yesterday I tried to explain to T, who is frustrated at my recent weight loss (related to anorexia), that it's not as easy as going out and eating a pizza and gaining the weight back. She informed me that I'm wrong and it IS that easy. Good to know. And no, that statement isnt taken out of context... there wasnt any additional explanation on her part. I explained my feelings further. I told her I feel like she's not getting it. She didnt budge. Now what? I guess I'm supposed to admit that she's right... but what gets attached to that is some very intense self-blame towards myself for not being able to fix it magically by just eating a pizza. Regarding my old T from a few years ago that terminated badly, every professional I've talked to about that situation has agreed that her behavior was in many ways inappropriate and unethical. There is NOTHING a client can do that justifies unethical behavior on the part of a therapist. I was also recently informed by T that perhaps part of my problem is that I'm too honest in therapy and that leads to people (professionals) over analyzing what I say. Well dang, I cant win. I say that sarcastically but really, I do sit around and blame myself and get upset over that, trying to figure out what I should and shouldnt say since obviously I've been too honest in the past. Shouldnt I be able to talk freely? There's a lot more to my situation with my T than I've posted. And I've tried a LOT. I've been VERY honest with her about all this, and open to hearing her responses, whether theyre about me, her, or the process. I may or may not agree, but I'm willing to hear what she has to say. What else can I do? Right now, I go to therapy feeling okay and leave and feel suicidal, depressed, etc for a few days... not because hard material has been brought up, but because I feel so frustrated and worthless and invisible. Yes, I've said that to her. Yes, more than once.

I've had other Ts in the past, other than my favorite one who I talk about here, who I havent had this issue with. I quit those Ts either because I moved or due to other circumstances that forced me to quit (long story, not meaningful to this discussion).

I appreciate your thoughts. I'm sorry if I seem defensive.. I admit, I do feel that way. I truly am trying as hard as I can and I do appreciate what you said.




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