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Re: Therapy tomorrow (**suicide triggers**) Cecilia

Posted by Wittgensteinz on August 19, 2008, at 8:11:40

In reply to Re: Therapy tomorrow (**suicide triggers**), posted by Cecilia on August 19, 2008, at 5:45:14

Cecilia, I know what you mean. There's no rule not to have suicidal thoughts - it's acting on those thoughts that he will not tolerate.

It's not that uncommon for Ts to make such no-suicide contracts with their clients. It is devastating for a therapist when one of his patients dies - I'm quite sure of that. There has to be some level of self-preservation on his part. Perhaps if my therapist and I were less attached, he wouldn't feel a need to insist on this rule, but given our closeness and the dedicated way in which he works, it's clear why such a thing is necessary. He only sees patients for about 10 or so sessions per week as he's past retirement - so he only has a small number of us. He's never once failed to schedule me in for an extra session the next day if I needed it. He's never failed to respond to a phone call or mail, and has even sent me mails while he was away on holiday. He's lent me books that he thought I'd find interesting. One time I was cold, so he got me a blanket. Another time my stomach was rumbling, so he got me something to eat. And in lots of other ways, subtle ways, he shows how dedicated he is to my recovery. Sometimes when I feel really down, I just ask him to tell me a story - and that's what he does. I'm sure I'm very lucky to have him as my therapist. He's well respected in the Netherlands - one of the most acclaimed analysts and academics in psychoanalysis.

I told him today how the no-suicide contract in itself makes the topic of suicide more taboo than it already is. We talked at length about all that happened last Wednesday and how to go on from here. It was a good session and confidence is somewhat restored on both sides. He said he forgives me (when I asked him), and that that was easy.

He made it clear that before acting on suicidal thoughts, I should phone him. I don't like to bother him outside of sessions - I have this aversion to phoning people anyway. I sometimes mail him if I have thoughts/questions between sessions but not often. I said he would probably have been sleeping had I phoned last Wednesday evening. He said it didn't matter. He'd rather I phoned him 100 times during the night sooner than attempt suicide again.

I still feel bad - I'm not an easy patient. Non-suicidal patients surely are easier to deal with. I don't want to be an out-of-hours problem for him. I said I felt a desire to be shut away somewhere so not to be a burden to anyone. I also said how I didn't think it was fair for him to have to continue to work with me, as it was likely putting a lot of strain on him. He said firmly, that was his responsibility to decide, not mine, and he wanted to work with me. I think things will be shaky for a while, but I'll guess we'll get through this. I feel the same connection as before, and that's the most important.

Thanks again for all your support - it really did help me put my thoughts into words, especially today when talking it through in session. So, thank you.





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