Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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waking up from mental I need therapy?

Posted by med_empowered on August 18, 2008, at 16:10:26

Its like this: I started my little psychiatric journey as a confused 18 year old. Pills and pills later, I wound up in a mental hospital w/ drug-induced psychosis at 20, after having dropped out of college. I stopped taking meds after the mental hospital incident because I hated what psychiatry was all didn't seem to help.
At 23 (last year) I tried to return to college. one semester full of paranoia, agitation, mania, hallucinations...I got thrown into the local mental hospital, pumped full of Haldol, and sent home.
Now I'm 24 and I feel like an entirely different person. I've stopped taking my antipsychotic and my depakote; I just take Klonopin as needed now. I feel so *deeply* ashamed of the self-centered, self-destructive things I did when I was...ill? Is "ill" really even what I was? And, what am I, anyway?
I've decided to start over in school. I was in the social sciences, now I don't want to do that anymore. At this rate, I won't graduate till 27, but hopefully my life will be rewarding instead of pointless and painful, as it has been in the past.
My friends have all graduated college and have jobs. Some are married. I live at home with my parents and take classes online and hope, hope, hope for the day when things get better. I feel on the one hand like I've matured and can enjoy the remainder of my youth...on the other hand, I feel like I've wasted so much time.
My god, I just don't know. My official diagnosis has been changed from schizophrenia to some variant of bipolar disorder (not that it matters). I don't hallucinate anymore, I'm not manic, and I'm certainly not depressed...I just feel like I'm seeing the world through different, more mature eyes. Its good, but its painful, and I don't know anyone who has done the terrible, shameful things I have or who has dealt with what I've dealt with...
I'm just so confused. And alone. No pill will fix it, and honestly, lots of therapists piss me off. In my ideal world I could find a boyfriend who would help me deal with the world, but I don't think that's going to happen for a while.

What do I do?




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