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Re: I saw old T today

Posted by wishingstar on August 17, 2008, at 11:43:12

In reply to Re: I saw old T today, posted by caraher on August 13, 2008, at 21:16:57

Sorry for taking so long to post a real reply. I really appreciate all the responses on this... it's a hard situation for me and you all gave me some validation/things to think about that really help.

I go back to see Old T on Wed. I have an appt with current T on Thurs but I'm planning to cancel it for a few reasons.. because I'm annoyed she gave away my Monday slot, because I'll already be missing a lot of work Wed to see Old T, and because 2 appts in 1 week is expensive. Plus, I'm going to need the time after seeing Old T to process again I think. I'm not planning on telling current T that I saw Old T. Bad, I know, but she didnt want me to go for other reasons (thought it'd be bad for me) that I dont agree with, and I dont really want to discuss it for 30 min with her. I dont think it's unhealthy avoidance.. I think there are more important issues to talk about with her really.

I think seeing Old T on Wed will help me decide what to do. Going once a month really wouldnt be enough for me right now.. I'm not terribly depressed but I am struggling with eating disorder/weight loss issues. Bi-weekly might be possible. I've thought about it and it would be possible to change my work schedule to allow me to see her without taking leave every week, and financially I guess I could swing it... it'd be hard and not ideal, but I guess I could. I'm going to explore that with Old T on Wed.

I have some fears about going back to Old T full-time, aside from the drive/financial issues. I'm afraid of the attachment that I know would develop quite quickly. I'm attached to current T, but would be much more so to Old T if I went back. Old T doesnt allow our relationship to become semi-friendship-ish, like current T does, and some of my "games" wouldnt fly anymore. I know that's a good thing, but it's scary. Old T put it well last week when she said that to switch from current T, I'd be losing a friend but gaining a therapist. That's a bit of an exageration, but it's the right idea, and it's scary. I isolate a lot and do get some things out of current T as "friend" that I'd miss. My logical mind knows of course how silly and illogical that sounds. If I went to grow and improve, I dont need a paid friend. But I'd miss it a lot. Venting and getting a "real person" reaction (as opposed to a therapist reaction) has benefits too. I also have some odd feelings about having Old T so far away, if I switched.. she has no idea about resources etc in my area. Even though I dont see/talk with current T during the week, it helps to know she's here, in town, not so far away. I dont know why. The area I live in is semi-rural and old T is in the heart of a large city right outside DC. It'd take explaining for her to "get" how my lifestyle and the culture here is different now from what it used to be/what she experiences every day. Current T gets that. Current T is so much safer, in many ways.

I also worry about telling current T I was switching back to Old T. Why? I worry about hurting current Ts feelings. I like current T a lot. Stupid, huh? But I do.

Also, I know that a few months with Old T would convince me to break up with my boyfriend. I KNOW it's the right thing to do, and I have for awhile, but current T doesnt quite see that. I know Old T would see it in a heartbeat and I couldnt keep lying to myself. Then I'd be even more lost.. he is really the only person, aside from coworkers, I have regular social contact with.

I'm really just thinking aloud here, but if anyone has any thoughts, please do share. It helps a lot. I'll post again on Wednesday after I see old T again.




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