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Losing control - trigger

Posted by Daisym on August 14, 2008, at 0:09:37

After so much time in therapy you'd think I wouldn't lose control anymore. Monday and again today, I had complete melt downs.

Monday we were talking about telling someone new about being abused and how that might effect me sexually. He said, "what is the worse thing you can imagine happening?" I shook my head and said I didn't know. He pushed - "they'd reject you maybe?" I couldn't answer. He asked another question but I was rapidly falling apart. I burst into tears and blurted, "the worst thing would be that they would ask you why you didn't make it stop? Why didn't I tell someone?" Then I hid behind all the pillows and sobbed. He was quiet - shocked I think and then he made all sorts of comforting noises and "Ah, yes, I can see how scary that would be" statements. He tried to give me his speech about it not being my fault but the tears had turned to anger and I wanted to just scream at him "shut up - F-U - stop it." All I could get out was, "please don't go there" and he stopped talking. I left upset.

I apologized for falling apart so swiftly and completely - he noted that he'd struck a nerve (you think?) but he thought it was great that it all came up. He said I've been holding back and I needed to trust that he could still hear all the stories and take care of himself around it. But he did want to talk about the self-hatred and blame and self-destructive things I've been doing. Ug - that was hard.

Today links around pleasure and pain came up. I know how to handle pain but I don't do very well with pleasure. I can't handle too much fun. If things are calm and going well, I get nervous. We even talked about this around sex - is it OK for me to feel pleasure? Intellectually I know it is and I desperately want to be normal - but something inside of me just exploded out and I was trembling and crying and telling him that "no, it is not OK to like it. If you respond, you want more. And more means pain, and it hurts, hurts, hurts..." and I was just lost to it. A sobbing mess that could only say, "hurts, hurts, hurts" and then "I feel sick, really sick." I could hear his voice, telling me it was OK and to just breathe, that no one was going to hurt me and he knew I felt sick and on and on...just talking. When I finally calmed down, he looked so worried. And so sad. And then guess what I did?

I apologized again. *sigh* He shook his head and said, "I know it is hard but it needs to come out. It is OK to feel it, and tell me and be angry and not hold back. I just hate how hard it is on you." Yeah, me too. He kept me for a few minutes longer, and asked me if I could go home and not back to work. Clearly I upset him. I tried to reassure him that I'd be fine - but he raised his eyebrows...which means "don't give me that fine sh*t."

I'm struggling tonight with the abreactions - why am I so out of control and so emotional? It is very much like the younger parts of me, which have been very quiet and stable, are pushing forth without my control. I just really started going to therapy again steadily, I don't want to be too much right away.

Any thoughts?




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poster:Daisym thread:846083