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How to start my narrative

Posted by llurpsienoodle on August 12, 2008, at 18:15:42

I don't see T again until sept 5th.

We have come to the conclusion that it's time to do some work on traumatic stuff that happened to me.

I may never feel ready. I may never feel strong enough. I may never feel safe enough. I feel like just hiding under the covers and waiting for the storm to pass. (But it seems to find me under the covers, somehow).

So, I'm taking on the task of deciding what I want to talk about, and trying to figure out how to proceed. We talked about me journalling during my 'break'. I don't even know how/when/where to start. It's too obscene to write. I don't even want to contemplate it. (that's the problem!)

But it's gotta come out, because my mind has a way of producing fluid visions under pressure. Then things stop making sense.

Maybe my coping mechanisms are better this time. Maybe my medication regime is settling down. Maybe I have more tools available.

As T said- we know where my fault lines are. We know how and where I will break under stress. There's no guarantee that it won't happen again in my life, even though I feel 'well' right now.

And something I talked about today

If I am symptomatic, it's a way of my holding onto the past trauma, making it 'real' in my mind.

If I'm not symptomatic, it feels like I'm in a cycle of denial.

How to free myself from this? That even 'well' people suffer trauma, and 'unwell' people may just be more susceptible/vulnerable to their own life events.

In other words- how can I be 'well' AND acknowledge that these things happened to me?





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