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Therapist in love with me or Im crazy??

Posted by girl33 on June 29, 2008, at 10:27:38

Im new here and I need an advice.

I was seeing a therapist and she was great. Shes a friend of my moms. On the first month of therapy(I dont remember why or in wich ocasion) she mentioned something about me being a lesbian, but I was so shocked she said that that I didnt react to it. I said nothing and changed the subject, and never told her about me being bi. I only told her about my ex boyfriends.

Ok. Anyway. Time passes by and she was always making me compliments about my clothes and my hair and saying Im pretty and so on. It made me very shy the same time, flattered, and.. well, I started to have feelings for her. Shes older (maybe 10 years older) than me, but she looks very young and shes very pretty!. But at the same time I knew that was wrong (to have feelings for her, and at the same time I also felt kind of unconfortable when I went to the sessions, because I noticed I started to select the things I was going to say- for example, I wouldnt want to tell her about I guy who called me during the week, things like that; because I had the fantasy that she was interested in me and I wanted to keep that).

Well, after 3 months of therapy I decided I couldnt deal with it anymore. I thought to myself that it was wrong, and the therapy didnt make sense anymore (because I didnt feel confortable anymore to tell her everything). So I asked my mom to tell her that (since I knew they were going to meet), because I didnt have the courage. And so she did, and when my mom came back home she said that the therapist told her it would be nice that if I could at least call her.

So I called her and she said "Oh Im so glad you called!!", and asked if she could call me back later since she had a client at the time. So she called me later and she has this emotional tone of voice (like she was almost crying?). And I gave her an excuse not to go anymore and she said that I was very special, and so on.. and suddenly she said "I love you very much"- and kept saying other things, but all I could hear was "I love you very much" (and my brain blocked!!).


I was speechless, but she made it seem that she didnt say nothing much (she said it quickly and continued saying other things, she didnt make a fuss out of it you know what I mean; it was as if she said "I like strawbeeries"- and bla, bla, bla, bla....).

Oh Im so sorry if Im not managing to express mysel correctly, but Im not from USA, my first language is not english.


So that day on the phone I didnt make any comments on the phrase she said, I did like she did: I acted like she didnt say nothing much. But I said I prefered to go see her one more time so I could explain to her why I wanted to quit.

So I went, and still I pretended she didnt say what she said (one "small" detail: shes married, with a man, and has kids- so there was still a part of me thinking that maybe she only said that like a friend would, and not on the romantic way).

And I told her I had to tell her something. Im very shy, so I wrote down in a peace of paper "Im in love with you". She read it and I continued saying that I thought I couldnt be 100% me in the sessions since I had tha feeling (AND since I THOUGHT she had the same feelings too- but I didnt say that, I didnt want to put her in a difficult situation). She respected my opinion, but said that if I changed my mind I could go back there anytime (she did say it was "a very normal thing to happen", but she didnt make much efford tryng to convince me it wasnt a reason to stop therapy).

I didnt have the courage to ask her if she was serious about loving me, or if it was just a friendly sentence, or a caring one, or whatever.

So after one week I decided to call her and ask if she wanted to meet me outise the office for a conversation. And she said my mom knew she was married and that she was not gay and said no (and she had this kind of angry tone of voice-??- as if I was disturbing her too much). But it seemed there was someone beside her at the time I called, and she seemed weird... I dont know.

Anyway, you guys can guess HOW messed up my head it!!! I lost a very good therapist and at the same time I think mayb Im CRAZY??? Am I seeing too much??? OHHHHH GOSH, so many feelings!!! I also feel guilt!! So many complicated feelings!!!

Please tell me if I just phantasysed about her having feelings for me!! What do you think?? Please be honest!! I can handle!

(ooohhh Im SO messed up!!!!!!!!!!!!GOSH it feels terrible!!! And what about the shame???)




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