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Borderline Personality Disorder

Posted by susan47 on May 14, 2008, at 22:11:43

I have nothing, I have everything. I have nothing. I have a daughter who hates me. A son who caves around me, an ex-husband who hates me, and a self who hates and caves, tries and fails, again and again and now I'm descending into a drug-addicted, mad hell of my own making. A self rubbed raw with wounds, and I'm doing a Kundalini Yoga, and today I was warned about the side-effects of doing that, the possible healing crisis, and I have anhedonia so Bad, so bad, and I have to move out, and today I tried to get myself admitted to the hospital, but I was rejected Because I have BPD, which is really Emotional Dysregulation, and will be re-named to that, more appropriate label .. and it is that, it is a label, a handle I now go by, now that I've learned who and what I am, the monster I most feared is my deepest self after all, the fear of abandonment, most strikingly showing with CW, my ex-Therapist, and one day perhaps I will go mad and actually use his name, because he deserves to be hurt, damn it, for the pain he allowed me to feel, without knowing, without Knowing Why, when he knew, he had to have known.
I hurt so bad, I want to die, but no, I want to Live, I just can't stand the pain of causing so much pain in my family, my children who actually now feel so bad about me being their mother, I am a failed human being.
God, I want to die.
God, I want to die.
God, I want to die.
To be reunited in Love.
Please, let my life have meant something good to someone, somewhere.
Susan, Susan47 ... Who am I, really?
One day, I wish not to be hated.
One day, I wish to know I was loved.
One day, I wish to feel love more than anything else.
Love, without fear.
Just love.
So much love missed.
I am contagious, as my ex-dear-H is now coming back into the house, and he's got more awful things to say and do... I feel like my life is a nightmare.




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poster:susan47 thread:829152