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Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant* MissK

Posted by sunnydays on January 13, 2008, at 23:05:58

In reply to Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + rant*, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 12:12:31

I cannot write much because I am on 'break' right now and am having a hard time being away from my T for three weeks. But I am doing it and I don't sit here all day and pine for him, so I think I am doing pretty well. I have had some fun times in real life.

For me I tend to write here about the things in the T relationship that most confuse and upset me. And I don't think that any relationship can be free of slights and misunderstandings as you asserted. Even with the best boundaries and communication skills in the world, sometimes you'll be impatient with someone you love, or in a hurry, or just plain don't understand what they meant when you are certain you do. It's just something that happens.

I am, I guess, one of the people you think is unnecessarily dependent on my therapist. My T disagrees. I struggle with it. I have transference, I 'catch' myself in it all the time. It doesn't make the feelings go away. My T says this is normal. We just keep working through it. There are other unresolved issues than just knowing why I have those thoughts that need to be resolved for me, like believing myself that the abuse I experienced was 'bad enough' to be considered abuse before some of the transference will go away. And most Ts think some idealization is actually good for the relationship because it means you trust the T. Have you ever read "In Session: The Bond Between Women and their Therapists" by Deborah Lott? It's a good explanation of these sorts of feelings and how normal they are.

My T would never ever let me move in with him. He has told me many times it is ok to want whatever I want. He has strong enough boundaries to be perfectly comfortable saying no. He told me I could want to set up a futon in his back bedroom and it would be fine. He and I both know they are just fantasies. They are things I would have wanted when I was little - a safe, loving parent - and I'm having those fantasies now. It's not like I can turn off the thoughts I have. And rationally I can say that I don't really want any of those things, I want to be independent and an adult. But right now I need to have these thoughts and feelings that were ignored and not allowed when I was a little girl to move past that stage and 'grow up' so to speak.

I hope that explains what I think. As I said, it's a very difficult subject for me and I am very sensitive to even the slightest hint that there is something wrong with my T relationship. But my T is the most ethical person. It's up to them to keep the boundaries, not us. It's up to us to test them if need be to resolve our 'issues'.





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