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Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran

Posted by Dinah on January 13, 2008, at 18:37:50

In reply to Re: Agonizing over T Relationships *trigger + ran twinleaf, posted by MissK on January 13, 2008, at 17:56:57

> What I read sometimes though about therapist rejections, slights, misunderstandings, being unavailable or feelings of these, etc seem to almost replicate what some experience from their own families/backgrounds.

Of course it does! First of all, I doubt any relationship can exist without rejections, slights, misunderstandings, being unavailable, etc. Therapy isn't teaching us to be in a relationship without those. It's teaching us how to remain in relationship even with those. Plus, sometimes our lives show a consistent pattern of seeing rather more rejections, slights, misunderstandings, unavailability than might exist were we to be totally objective. Therapy helps us see that sometimes we see those things where they aren't really, or where they aren't as extreme as we perceive them to be. And therapy perhaps teaches us that relationships don't have to be perfect to be helpful.

> I did experience some maternal transference with my T. I recognized it and caught it. I didn't perpetuate it because I realized that even though she says she will be there for me, etc. I also know she can't be there in the ideal sense. Has she been and will she be there when I might need someone for three days in a row at midnight or 1:00a.m to hold and comfort me? Or what if I think I need her to move in with me for a week or more because I am having such a hard time coping and it really would be nice to have her presence 24/7. Or better yet, move in with her for a while. That would be my ideal mother figure. That would 'correct' and provide a different outcome from what I didnt' get the first time around in addition to being listened to empathetically and with care.

Well, in my experience you aren't likely to get most of those things even with a real mother. Love isn't unconditional and all giving. If those are a person's expectations for any relationship, they're likely to be upset a fair amount of the time. Therapy helps us accept and value what is, and mourn what isn't.

> I have had this in spades in the listening, care and attention and psychological explanations and understandings my T has helped me arrive at during our sessions.

It sounds like you're a fast learner! And that you're able to take in good things from others. Not all of us are. I didn't even start therapy till five years into therapy, unless you count learning to trust. I'm a slow learner. And I'm all too likely to want to rely on myself and my own experience and my own mind. And I have to tell you, I was probably overrelying on that. I was a very clever girl with very little wisdom.




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