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I sometimes feel so unhelpful here

Posted by Dinah on January 12, 2008, at 12:21:38

It sometimes feels like I'm in such a very different place in therapy that I'm not all that helpful when I respond to posts.

I've really come to terms, for the most part, with what my therapist can and can't be for me. I have no illusions of his perfection, or mine, but I can't imagine wanting perfection. It would be way too intimidating.

I know that he'll hurt me badly at times because I care about him more than he cares about me so it's inevitable, and that most of the time if I bring up my hurts to him, he'll try to understand and regret it even if he can't fix it. And he's even getting better *at* understanding. But I know that one day he'll leave me or I'll leave him, and that he won't be able to help me with that hurt.

I know he's fond enough of me, and finds me amusing enough to satisfy me. I know that I'm special to him, and that I've helped shape him into the therapist he is. I know the limits of the fondness too. I know he wouldn't see me without money, that he likes to be paid for phone conversations longer than five minutes, and that generally he really likes money. I know that even if we didn't have this therapeutic relationship, neither of us would have chosen to be friends with the other.

I also know that he thinks I'm weirder even than I think I am. And I get annoyed when I feel him being very careful.

I know that he'll be there for me as best he can. I know there are limitations to that too. He keeps my needs in mind, but if they conflict with the needs of his family or his needs, I'll lose.

I know there are times when he just can't deal with me, and times when he's happy to deal with me.

I trust him to be caring, interested, gently humorous, gently guiding, often thoughtless, occasionally irritated or distracted.

I know that all the negative hateful things that whisper in my head about him are based on truth, and may even be totally true. And I know all the warm and loving things I feel about him are based in truth, and may even be totally true. He's both good and bad. Our relationship is both good and bad. Neither set of thoughts is either all right or all wrong because neither set of thoughts is all inclusive. Probably both sets together aren't all inclusive.

I know how much he's taught me and influenced how I think about things. I appreciate the moderation he's brought to my way of thinking. I like his gentle acceptance of even the most absurd things I say, acceptance that allows me to entertain and often accept the alternatives he obliquely presents.

I sometimes think that maybe I don't need him anymore, or don't need him as often. But I get sad and scared at that and refuse to make any changes.

I'm so comfy in our relationship.

And I'm just not sure if I can be helpful to others coming from such a place.




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poster:Dinah thread:805920