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Re: update-moving/leaving T., etc **mild triggers? muffled

Posted by 10derHeart on January 9, 2008, at 22:41:13

In reply to 10derheart?, posted by muffled on January 8, 2008, at 14:50:00

***some references to leaving a therapist, and also a few to God and faith - in case that might distress you, maybe don't read**
__________________________________________________

> Geeze, I forgot bout your T thing :-(

well, it's not like you can remember ALL Babblers stuff here, 'specially when this one Never posts :-(

> Are you guys talking bout it LOTS?
> Bout how to stay in touch?
> Bout coping?
> Bout grieving?

Yes and no. He lets me talk about it whenever I want, just like anything. I've put out one of my biggest fears already, which was these questions to him: "What if i can't stand it (missing him, etc.) and I keep emailing you? Or what if I want to hear your outgoing message so I call you after I leave? What if I ask you to call me back? What if I do those things More Than Once? What if...what if.....I act like your client but I am ex-client? What will you do?"

T. says: So, email! So, call me! What's wrong with it? Go ahead. Don't agonize over figuring out how NOT to. I will call back. I will answer your emails, because I will always be glad to hear from you. The labels of client or ex aren't important to me. You are you. You are 10derHeart.

And probably some other nice stuff I can't recall right now. Helps a lot, BUT of course, I can hardly believe that will be okay. Afraid, as I always am when we get into this sensitive area, of being a bad girl and in trouble and never seeing him again ever, and on and on....blah, blah.

> Least babble is wherever you go!

Yes! And really, plus being able to stay close with my family, are the only things allowing me to keep it together. Because the fact I'm going to voluntarily do this makes it so weird and hard to grasp emotionally (who to be mad at? myself? but that's no good...) Babble will keep my head above water if I need it - no one but the awesome people here could listen and understand about the pain of
leaving a T. you can't even stand being away from for a week or two...:-(

> Guess your not coming my way? I think it was back east somewhere?

Nope - the other way :-) Not right in the city, but very close to Portland, Oregon. I forget which part of Canada you live in, although my foggy brains thinks it's the western part....? geez...watch out, I love to travel, and I've very interested in seeing more of Canada than just Toronto....

> This sounds so incredibly simplistic and trite....but you WILL find and meet GOOD people where you are going.

No, it sounds true and smart, as does most anything you write. I know I will and I want to. Isolation is unhealthy on so many levels and only magnifies heartbreaks. I will not let that happen...I hope.

> Maybe meet some special friends.

I really need those. My daughter does, too, and SIL. We tend to stay to ourselves, and that's not so great for the little one either. She needs to be exposed to other folks. Hope to occupy myself going to numerous churches to find a church home - that's where I want my foundation, stability and potential friends to come from. Since T. and I are both same religious beliefs, we've talked about this re: as you like to say God-stuff a lot. I told him I can see how God has set this up because life has seasons and He knows best, so maybe time with T. at this level (actual weekly therapy) is done, and there is something amazing waiting for me out West. That God made it sort of a choice - stay where comfortable w/T. or move to live near granddaughter, other family....'cause He knows there is no choice. Since I have the freedom to do it (financially, job-wise) I will NOT be separated from her. I love that little girl more than life itself. Anyway...at first I was furious w/God (and trust me, some nights around 3 am I still scream at Him: how could you make me choose between T. and granddaughter, when I love them both?!!) then I realized my beliefs are that God acts always from love and we just do NOT understand (maybe later, but rarely at the time) BUT his plans are to help and nurture, not to harm...so even though my human parts scream, "no, can't leave T!!" I do have a still, small voice that gets through and says, 'yes, you can, and you will for S. (granddaughter) and because you do trust God's way more than your powerful emotions over one man...(t.)"

So - I will go and be very, very, very sad for a good while. But I can still talk to T. sometimes, and I know I do matter to him. I know that makes me so fortunate compared to others w/T's with diff. boundaries.

> Wish we babblers could somehow help?
> Is there anything we can say/do via the net that would help?
> Just empathy?
> Just listen if you want to post?

What a lovely thing to ask, even now, too, waaay in advance. You are so caring. Yes, just listen, though I hardly deserve it as I don't provide much support here. I keep trying to do better, then I still freeze up and only read...

> You got a good heart tender. And a well chosen name.

(((M))) Thanks. I try to have a good heart. [I use you as my example lately, you do know that, right? I am serious - you are like a warm. wonderful, soft blanket on this board, ready to wrap around others and steady and comfort them.] And Every time I mess up and know I don't (mean, nasty, rude, and all that) I do get up, make amends, ask God to forgive and start over again. It's all we humans can do, right? Like every person on this board does all the time, with struggles with mental stuff and all - mostly we keep doing life, and we just don't "do hopeless" - at least not for long. I always tell my T. - I just will Not "do hopeless" any more. Been there, done that, hated the scenery.

Much easier said than done, but with practice and Faith in something Higher and loving (for ME - I understand others don't want/have this), it gets a bit easier, you know? More automatic even with the worst emotions, griefs, whatever - to stop the spiral and say wait, I can feel all these things fully, and walk through them, But Hopeless....get Out! Be gone you Stealer of Good Things!

Right now, I'm going through a rupture with T. as he messed up really badly and caused a misunderstanding about a session between two trips of his. Results was I did/do not see him for 26 DAYS, which is the longest in 3+ years. Very upsetting and I'm sure first session or two back that's ALL we we talk about. He's angered and hurt me and this was a bad thing for him to get careless about, especially right now. He apologized by email and said he knows I am scared he doesn't care, isn't the same T. who knows me, and that the whole relationship is fake, and he 's not reliable any more.

I tell you, just for him to write: "I screwed up. I hurt you and our relationship. I know you are super-scared," was so satisfying to me, it was like a long-distance bandage he sent from where he's still on vacation. but I am not done cussing him out and so there are tears and uncomfortable times to come. But I guess it makes us stronger. It has before. I just hate it more now and even minute is precious and why waste them fixing stupid stuff?! <sigh>

well, anyone who read ALL THIS, wish I could mail you a Gold Medal (or a chocolate cookie!) as you deserve a great prize! lol. Guess I just held stuff in for months and put it in one post.......but...........guess what..............................................?

I can blame it on Muffy 'cause she asked! Hahaha!

---10derCrampedFingersFromTypingHeart

 

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poster:10derHeart thread:805122
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080101/msgs/805438.html