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Re: i want...****TRIGGER******

Posted by muffled on January 9, 2008, at 12:59:34

In reply to Re: i want...****TRIGGER****** Bodhisattva, posted by B2chica on January 9, 2008, at 11:55:58

> ok, i watched a show last night. and it triggered me unexpectedly. suicide trigger.
> at the end the fbi lady caught and killed serial killer that tortured women (good) but then when cops gave her a deal she said no, they asked surprised why! she said Very Intently "those of us that fight monsters need to make D@mn sure Not to become them!" pulled a gun and shot head.

*Well my take on this is she must have shot herself cuz she felt she had crossed the line and had become a murderer herself, just like the bad guy, in killing the bad guy.
I personally don't think she did the right thing in offing herself, but she did. And while its maybe just a TV show, its still sad. There's lotsa sad stuff in this world. Thats why I want to try and do good things and maybe make it even a tiny bit better. Cuz there is good stuff too.

> what if i have that in me...the monster i mean...even the thought of having a thought makes me what that gun. and i have that urge anyway.

*B2, I think we all got bad stuff in us. My T says that. We not ALL good or ALL bad. We human. But what makes us better is we work on the good in us and not give in to the bad.

> its so strong. like a craving for a food....i want to leave work and find one...:( but the strange thing is...i don't...repeat Dont want to die. but i feel i need to shoot myself...i can't explain. i just feel i need to die.

*It FEELS strong.
But you are right. You don't really want to die.
Even the part that wants to die may not actually want to die. It just doesn't know what else to do.
But you are going to help that part, and it may not be easy, but you can do it, and have more peace in your life.
I dunno my part that wants to die tends to be more hysterical, so its easier for me to discount.
I also was at a point where I felt there was a part of me that would in fact be better off dead, cuz it feelings were so bad.
But what I now KNOW, is that I can work with these feelings/parts and make things get easier. I suspect I will always have times where I will struggle, but I am SO much better at KNOWING that the feelings will pass, and they DO. Meanwhile there are parts of me that are SO much happier. Things are getting better. And they will for you too B2.
Give yourself some credit. You have been doing very well at reaching out and taking care of yourself.
Its so hard.
But it does get easier.
Just hang in there.
Lean on your T.
Goto hosp as necc.
Take care of yourself.
That sweet little babe of yours needs her Mom.
Cuz Moms understand their kids better than anyone.
She needs the love you have for her.
Your not perfect, neither am I.
But our kids love us anyways.
((( B2 )))




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