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B2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) B2chica

Posted by muffled on January 8, 2008, at 10:39:07

In reply to back briefly...and weird kid experience., posted by B2chica on January 8, 2008, at 8:24:58

> ok, i'm gonna try babble again. ohhhhhhhhhhhhh did i miss my friends!!!!!

*Hey and we miss you too!

> i had a nice break. (some cr@p days) but mostly i ignored everything and was able to pretend i had a different life. lived only in if NO past. it was good. i needed that.

*YUP! I am still living it!!! I was sposed to do T today, but she phoned to switch to tomorrow, and I said...we can miss this week if you busy....!!!!!(LOL!)But T said she wanted to see me ((( T )))
A break is GOOD! T is hard work.

> i even skipped a week of T. that really allowed me to be in lala land. :)
> but went back yesterday...things were building. it was hard...EVERYONE wanted to talk and the noise in my head was crazy. but at least i understand what that noise is now. and i went in to T as teen and i was switching like a light switch! went from teen to me to littleone, to me, to 1950's lady, to teen, to me to littleone where i stayed and Finally ended up most of the session. then she just BLABBED abuse stuff. SOOOOOOO Hard. i was not ready for that. i didn't expect that. so wasnt prepared.

*sigh, 'things were building' :-( And that is the crux of the prob. We do ok, even really well for awhile, but for me, it ends up crumbling. But I HAVE noticed that I DO get thru some 'noisy' times and come out the other side w/o T. I DO survive w/o self harm, etc. I AM doing better. So there IS hope!
UGH! That sounds like a extra hard session. That is proly the thing I hate most bout being split. I myself am usu pretty controlled bout splitting, but sometimes I can't stop it, and am aware of it, and that bugs the hell outta me. I am big on being(or THINKING I am...)in control.

> its just so weird how quickly i switch these days. of course i think its just that i'm recognizing it, not so much that it's any different. but i'm recognizing it as my DD rather than emotional lability.(sp?)

*EXACTLY. Thats what I figgered too not so long ago. I think for me, I have been doing this so long its absolutely normal for me to go from one to the other, and seamlessly too really. But yes, now I can sometimes review a situ and see where I went. I guess this is a good thing. I think too thats why DD get dx as BPD alot,is that there are overlapping symptoms. Eg for me, self harm, and the lability etc ,as you said, is not so much lability as switching, the ikids comes across as labile etc).

> anyway. was exhausted. and when i went home i could barely care for IRL little one, so DH was good and cared mostly. then when she took a nap...i did too. 2 Wonderful hours.

*It is exhausting. I never can quite get how sometimes I am utterly exhausted. There's been times where I had to rest in my car before driving due to exhaustion.
I am glad you had a nap!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

> ****THE WEIRD THING WAS, when i came home. from session. i don't think i was "myself" yet. cuz my little girl wouldn't really come to me. she fussed in my arms and when i tried to feed her a bottle she cried and kept squiggling out of my arms. then when DH came to feed her she ate bottle right away??

*sigh :-( OK, now that sucks. Its a bit of thing to me. Changeability. I try SO hard to be consistant, and I am very often not.:-( I have seen my kids, when I come into a room(this really hurts for me to say) and I seen them looking at me...and I KNEW, sh*t, I could see, :-( I could see they were assessing me, cuz they were trying to see who I was, I guess so that they could respond accordingly. I have seen them visibly relax when they see its a MOm that they like..:-( On crap this sucks SO bad :-(
I think I proly have done some damage to my kids because of this unknwness of their MOm. A lack of security cuz of my changeability :-(
I work very hard to try and be the same as possible with them. And to make them feel secure and safe as possible. I think now too, that they are older, they have adapted to me. They know no different...
Also, I am Toughie with the kids lotsa times, which is not all bad, but sometimes Toughies behaviour is notvery "MOm'like(Toughie is like a 12 yr old boy!!!so you can imagine...)But toughie can be fun!
As for your babe. It is indeed quite possible that she knew you were different. My daughter could sense when I left the room when she was little. No matter how sneakily I did it, she KNEW. And she can be like a weather vane of how her Mom is. If my daughter is cranky and fussy, ofttimes its her 'stuff', but many times, I can look at myself, and she is reflecting my inner noise...
Its hard with kids, specially sensitive ones.
Its SO GREAT that your in therapy B2 and dealing with this stuff. And as you get educated, you can use stuff your learning on your kids too.

> BUT after my nap, i felt better (like myself). and little girl lit up when she saw me. really happy. and we played and she ate from me like normal. it was a weird experience...
> anyone else with DD or DID experience this with their IRL kids??
> ok...sorry been gone sooo long. i'm gonna try to be back and try to be helpful.
> love you all.
> b2c.

*((( B2 )))
I am so glad you popped in! Don't worry bout being supportive. You write so well. When I read your posts it validates my own stuff so much and is very helpful to me.
Thank you for that.
I hope my stuff helps you? If not I can change what i write. I want to be helpful to you. Lemme know whats best for you too!
Take good care of yourself.




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