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Re: sexual element of 'transference' with therapis widget

Posted by DAisym on January 4, 2008, at 17:42:34

In reply to Re: sexual element of 'transference' with therapis, posted by widget on January 4, 2008, at 16:54:40

I think you've already reached the perspective I was going to suggest - not all therapist in this day and age were trained in depth therapy nor do they believe that everything should be explored. This is true especially for CBT therapist - who might acknowledge the feelings but don't think it is usually in the clients best interest to dwell on them. And even among depth therapist there is a kind of theory that says "if the transference is positive, leave it alone." The idea being that it will help you tolerate the work and sometimes painful process of looking at your "stuff."

All that said - sexual feelings for another adult with whom you've become intimate is both a biological reaction as well as a feeling state. It makes sense that if you have the chemistry, these feelings will come up. The safer you feel, the more pressing they might feel. Especially if you've felt they were forbidden in some way.

My therapist rarely picks up hints. He will help me talk about topics that are hard, if I ask him. Or I'll write stuff and bring it in and read it. But I think he doesn't want to presume something that might not be true. We talk about sex - both my feelings about him and the topic in general, fairly easily. But talking about suicidal feelings makes him tense - which he admits readily and yet insists we talk about. So I think everyone has their area.

And in given all the scandals and lawsuits, I can see why a male therapist would have a harder time with sexual transference discussions. (btw, I don't really like the transference term - it implies that your feelings are displaced or based on something else. I truely believe that you can develop "real" feelings for your therapist, but the reciprocation is different and how we think about our feelings - our own expectations, is different too.)

What I discovered by talking about my feelings, which were all mixed up and still are, is that what I really wanted was to feel safe having sex and to have someone I trusted to "teach" me. I wanted to participate in a grown-up activity as a grown up, and not immediately either dissociate or feel small. Now he can't do that for me, but it helps to know that when I do have another sexual partner, I'll need someone to go slow and I'll need a level of psychological safety. Without talking about it, I'd probably not know that. I tend to be a "force it" kind of a gal - you know, grit your teeth and learn to like it.

So this is my long-winded way of saying, "yes, bring it up." It is important.

 

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poster:DAisym thread:804141
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