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Re: On the edge annierose

Posted by Bodhisattva on January 4, 2008, at 9:29:27

In reply to On the edge, posted by annierose on January 3, 2008, at 16:13:53

Perhaps this will be completely off the mark, but your situation has reminded me of some thoughts and observations I've made during my own life.

About 6 months ago I asked my doctor to add a test to my usual labwork (I am an insulin dependent diabetic so I see the doctor regularly). I'd been experiencing pain in my knee more and more frequently accompanied by stiffness in the fingers and so forth. I've seen this pain before in my mother who suffers rheumatoid arthritis.

Before the follow-up I became increasingly anxious over the results, especially since I have seen what it can do to a person's life. When the doctor told me that the result was positive, I seriously think time stopped. In that impossibly long moment, I saw the years of my mother's suffering become my own. The only thing I could think the entire rest of the visit was, "I'm only 23".

Once again, I may be entirely off here. But I think that there are two main causes of suffering for people. First are the answers to the question "What's wrong with me?" Waiting and hearing those things can alter your perspective on life entirely. Second, is the slow realization and final acceptance that we have almost no control over our lives. This is usually the greater of the two. All the break-ups, injuries, all the horrible and wonderful things that have happened. I've merely been one small part of the equation. Most of my life I've tried to fight that fact and force things to be the way I want them to be. And most of the time has only ended in frustration, depression, and anxiety.

I'm not sure if the same holds true for you. But I've come to realize any unpleasant feelings I may have, are of my own making. I haven't lived in your mind, or in your life, so maybe this will all be one irrelevant rant. But it seems to me so far, you are doing the right thing to explore the source of these things. Keep it up and keep in touch.




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