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Re: Rskontos??? ok but might have triggers for som

Posted by rskontos on January 1, 2008, at 17:16:08

In reply to Re: Rskontos??? ok but might have triggers for som, posted by muffled on January 1, 2008, at 13:24:42

Wow muffled this is a long reply, i will try the xanax, I was just feeling so badly I didn't want to go to the drug store and today is new years so I will go tomorrow.

Yeah big internal disruption is right and new things are opening up in my minds eye. I see things even if I am awake. New doc says we will address these things. He says all good things bout me bout how we will progress.

but...he asked to see journal when I am ready. I said well I never write with a thought to let anyone see. He says I know...but when you are ready......
then we discuss how Hubby and I have two fights inbetween sessions about me not being "Fixed" (DH's word) what with me having so much therapy all of 9 months. New doc says how much does he know. I say none. Well I try but DH just shuts me down. He says what do you want him to know, I say how hard it is to be in my head all in the time and yet pretend all is ok.
He says he new doc needs to tell him as DH will hear it better from him. I think wow, I never thought he would take over to tell him because yes he will hear it better but.....big risk and he (new doc) says before I say anything I know this is a big risk for you because you are fearful of being rejected. WTF can he read minds I ask myself. And then everyone inside is all chattering. and when he asks me other questions I can't answer well and this unravels me only I don't say it does. Because some questions I must have time for and think about my answer. but I dont say this so for all the good things he is saying I am focused on how I didn't answer well.

He does say I need to find something to use my gifts and skills of which is under utilized. And he starts to name several of my secret dreams again WTF is he mind reading. I don't let on that these are special too me. I tell him that meeting my h and telling him my stuff is personal and a big step and reading my journal is perhaps the biggest step. He says I know. He then says I know that for now I am IRL your biggest ally and I know how it means to you. I just sit there. We discuss some of my others which I tell him makes me so uncomfortable but I talk anyway. Then the hour is over. I revealed alot and I didnt do it clearly enough for me to feel good but maybe I couldn't feel good with what I said no matter how I said it. I haven't ever revealed to anyone what I told him. so I guess my reaction was to be expected.

I am doing better now. I am sitting peacefully watching the snow fall. I feel isolated. I will get the xanax because like the new Dr.X said I want you to have some calm in your life. So I am to take it when I start to feel overwhelmed or if I have a hard time going out in public.

Muffled I have told my peeps that I think he is good for us all. One of them thinks we are fine and have no problems. She will say over and over it don't matter. She interferes when I drive us there. She is the reason the first time we were 40 mins. late.

Well I need to go now, family duty. take care all and thanks for caring.





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poster:rskontos thread:803467