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I'll try not to whine... (triggers..?)

Posted by JoniS on December 31, 2007, at 15:20:23

sadly, I keep checking my email hoping for a surprise from my T - just a simple "Happy New Year" or some quick blurb like that.

He never promised me any emails and has only done such things 3-4 times over the last 3-4 years.

He said that he couldn't "abandon" me while he is away, that it would be "unethical" I just love how he emphasized that it would be his DUTY to keep some contact with me.

The only thing we discussed regarding communication during his sabatical was that he said "call me after the holidays and we'll see if we can set something up" He also said something the week before like he could see me maybe once a month because "IT WOULD BE UNETHICAL FOR HIM TO JUST ABANDON ME". He said he will be around most of the time, just making 1 or 2 short trips over the next 3 months. Oh yeah, he also said I could write him a note, or journal and send it to him, or not send it to him. He said he would be checking his email once a week or so. (before sabatical he checked it immediately from his Blackberry - his choice)

I told him I will not call him over his time off, that I don't want to bother him. He knows that I hate to call him anytime. I used to email him, rarely - only when I was pretty lo, but I stopped that a while back. I was not getting any "relief" from his email response - and I told him so, I told him it will be snowing in H_ _ L before I email him again. He asked what I was looking for from him in the emails and I said I'm not sure, maybe comfort, or just a feeling of connection.

Couple weeks ago, after our last session I came home and wrote out a bunch of junk like 7 pages of what was on my mind - and mailed it. I didn't expect a response, just wanted him to know what was on my mind cause for the past couple of months I don't think we've really talked about any of it. I told him he was distant and I didn't understand why.

I am really sad, but I cant start crying right now so feelings got to go down under.

I honestly am staying as busy as I can and trying not to let it bother me too much. But it stinks and right now I really do hate therapy and hate the dependence it creates.

T would probably say this isn't love at all, to "posess" is not love. But it doesn't seem to me like a desire to posess, but love. Love hurts, especially when it doesn't love back.





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poster:JoniS thread:803451