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Re: Cactus, how are you? lots of *triggers*ok

Posted by cactus on November 21, 2007, at 12:24:04

In reply to Re: Cactus, how are you? ClearSkies, posted by cactus on November 20, 2007, at 23:29:11

*disclaimer, don't read if you're having a bad day, it might be a trigger fest for some*

Thankyou so much for asking CS, I didn't want to respond on the board. There might be some big triggers in this babble mail so DO NOT read on if you are having a bad day. My new T has been hard but really good, pushy but constructive and I really like him. I'm a tough nut to crack and he jumped right in and was the first person ever to make me open up and feel good about it. Which my pdoc didn't like because pdoc's here are also T's as well. You pay for an hour with a pdoc and you get one. Same as a T. Anyway I'd had a rather bizarre meeting with my pdoc which finished at midday. It left me feeling a little rattled so decided to call a very good friend around the corner to see if she was free for her lunch break. We went to a little cafe, beautiful Aussie spring day and half way through lunch she launched a tirade of such magnitude that I was dumb founded. She said I looked like sh*t, that I'm slurring my words, I'm off my head and she decided that she preferred me when I was drinking because I'm 7 months sober. I finished my lunch in shock said good bye and left. I do not look like sh*t, I was not slurring my words and nor was I off my head. I went into the CBD and wandered around in shock, I then called a couple of friends and asked them if I sounded off my head, they all so no you sound fine but very upset, what's wrong? I then told them what my friend had said and they were gob smacked!!!!! That was last thursday.
Friday I had another tough but constructive session with my new T and when I got home I decided to send her a text message saying that was quite possibly the worst thing ANYBODY had ever said to me and mind you, you cop a lot of crap for being gay. Well lets just say the text messages that came back were even worse, telling me that I was only pretending to be mentally ill, etc.............So by 5pm friday arvo I was sitting on the couch, everything went silent and I just started popping every pill in the house I could get my hands on. XXX zoloft, XX tabs of seroquel, XX klonopin, and XX mogadon.

As I started feeling drowsy I realised my sister(BPD) was going to come home and I didn't want her to find me comatose, so I called a cab and went to hospital which I don't really remember and woke up the next day with this guy ripping back the curtain saying you've slept long enough get out, so 10am sat morning I stumbled down the street jumped in a cab and went home to bed. I finally saw my pdoc yesterday who said you and you're sisters are just trying to win the title for who is the most mentally ill. Mind you, one was sick from post natal and the other from years of drug abuse and he hasn't even met them OR even talked about them during sessions which have been going for years. He never took a family history. Then he politely sack me after 4 years. So that's why I haven't been around, but the good news is I feel like I have hit the reset button and I'm starting to feel much better except for stopping the meds he had me on, I've ridden ssri withdrawal out before, and I can do it again.

Never thought about being BPD, I don't think I am, I just wanted peace and quiet, and my head to be silent. I have never self harmed before and don't plan to again. I have been on and off meds for years. I started at 25 and now I'm 37.




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