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Re: Attachment and Missing my T rskontos

Posted by sunnydays on November 13, 2007, at 21:56:53

In reply to Re: Attachment and Missing my T, posted by rskontos on November 13, 2007, at 18:31:57

> Sunnydays, I too feel the pain you feel.

**** I'm so sorry you feel the pain too. I soooo wish I didn't, and that no one else did either. It's such an awful thing to have happen.

So no, no sense of permanence either. I have with my marriage but I don't expect it I don't expect it from anyone really. I don't trust anyone. I don't expect too.

**** I am so scared that I will never get married. I have never had a boyfriend and am 21, and I feel like a freak. I so desperately want to get married, but I also don't want to do anything because I'm desperate. And I'm so afraid of getting close to people that who knows if I'll ever agree to go on a date anyway.

I also must work on thinking about people when they are gone from my sight. I am being very honest here. It is hard it hurts to reveal how much I don't feel. About anything. I do love my children and husband. But I work on that. I have to work on holding on.

**** I'm sorry about that. For a long time I thought I didn't ever feel much of anything, but I was wrong. I feel sooooo much now, and it's just so painful. And I miss my T and get so sad and it's so hard. It must be equally hard to feel like you don't feel anything.

I think it is because I had such ill parents. My T thinks my father is mentally ill too. I agree. When I tell her things he still says she is amazed.

**** Today in T I mentioned something one of my parents did once when I was little, just in passing, I didn't think anything of it, thought it was normal typical parent stuff. And my T stopped me and said, "Do you realize what bad parenting that is? Parents shouldn't say things like that in front of their children. You don't think anything of it, but it really is bad parenting." I am always sort of shocked when that happens, that things I think are completely normal and nothing even worth mentioning are actually not normal things.

I am not I guess I expect it. Afterall if it is all you have ever known. Maybe that is why I didn't get a male T. I was afraid I might get too attached. I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't have.

**** I didn't choose the sex of my T or anything about him. I go to a university and I got assigned to him. But I was SO lucky because we click really well and he is patient and caring, and I love him (and have told him so). But I had had both sexes before and really didn't like the male T I had so I was nervous in the beginning, but this T was so different in demeanor that I knew from the first session that it was going to be different.

But the recommendation I rec'd was for the T I have and I went it. Turns out it is a woman. Sometimes I wonder if I tell all about me will she be alarmed and run but I say well why not everyone usually leaves. So I will wait and see.

**** She won't run and leave. My T hasn't and I think I've told him so pretty bad stuff about myself (he assures me it's not bad, but it's so hard to believe that sometimes).

> I think he is right about that you need a relationship to trust and he is a safe one to trust. It is sad our parents weren't the ones they should have been but that isn't our faults.

**** My T always reminds me, "It wasn't about you. It was your mom's illness."

My T says I have to parents myself now. You post does make sense. I don't think he will leave you.

**** Logically, I am positive he won't leave me, but it is hard to absorb that into the core of my soul and believe it in there. The little girl still is kind of afraid to trust. And my T does say I have to build the kind of secure base that I needed for myself now, and that that makes it much harder because it's something I should have been given, not something I have to make. But I have to make it for myself right now. It's just so hard to accept that I have to.

It is for your sake you trust him and yourself and forgive the way your parents were for yoursake not theirs.

**** Nooooooooooo. I had a strong reaction to that. I am nowhere near a point where I can forgive. I think you have to go through being angry at your parents first, and I'm barely even at the point where I can acknowledge there is anger there. I am still grieving. I can't forgive right now, and my T said there is absolutely no need to until I am ready. Or I can never forgive them, although he thinks I will get to a point where I am ready to.

The permanence a child needs you now need to create for yourself. It is hard but it can be done. At least so says my T. I believe this to be true. I beleive you are very close with the nice relationship you have create with your T.

**** I think I am doing well also! Compared to the spring, I am in such a completely different place I almost don't believe my memory that it was only that short a time ago. But it was. So I do know I am making progress. It's just so painfully slow sometimes.

I think that we must admit that one day our relationships with our Ts will end but that day when it comes we will be strong enough to be ok with it and it will come when it time to come and not before.

**** My T said he has made a lifetime commitment to me, and we could even talk after he is retired. I think he's banking on the fact that I won't need him after a while, but right now I definitely do need him, and he says that's ok. It's not good for me to think about it ending right now because I get incredibly sad and sometimes start crying for hours. So right now I need to hold onto the fact that it's for absolutely as long as *I* want it. But I do logically realize it will end sometime.

We miss some important attachments as children and now we must strive to make them. You are doing a great job. It is ok because you are searching for an answer and you will find it. I think you are doing great!!! rk

**** Thanks! I think it sounds like you are doing great too. It's just so hard, and the pain and sadness from the little girl part of me are so intense and so entrenched.





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poster:sunnydays thread:794882