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Sorting out my session today

Posted by annierose on November 12, 2007, at 17:01:31

After 4 years of therapy, I have noticed a sizable shift in my therapy. Referring back to Daisy's thread, I'm past the middle, but not near the end. The relationship is so fluid for me so it's hard for me to pinpoint my place in time. But I feel I'm in a different place now.

Anyway, back to my original thought/post. I feel myself pushing. Pushing for her to tell me how, why, what she thinks about me. And at the same time, I want to know more about her, who she is as a person, not as a therapist. Yes, she has strict boundaries, so I feel safe pushing and prodding. Session after session, I have a million questions.

Today I wanted her to tell me she liked me. Yes, she has told me in the past that she cares about me, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I wanted to hear that again. She paused and after some thought said, "I could tell you what you want to hear, but I don't think it's going to help you. What brought you to therapy are for those very same old feelings that keep cropping up. Yes, it may give you a temporary lift, but ultimately, what I want for you, is to believe in yourself, to know yourself, so others opinions on any given day will not rattle you." Then she talked about ego gratification and my ability to give myself ego-lifts on a short term basis and how I become addicted to these ego-lifts. Confused, I asked her what she meant.

She referred back to a black tie gala I went to over the weekend. As I described the event, she noted I mentioned getting my hair and make-up done professionally before the party. She said, (and I do forget her exact words - and I wish I could remember them because this is much more blunt than what she actually said) "I wish that you didn't feel that was necessary. You liked the compliments that people noticed you, etc. etc. Your feeling of worthiness was tied into how you looked that evening."

Although I get the bigger picture she is describing, I think it's unfair to attack a woman trying to look her best for a black tie event. I have never gone to an event like this before in our city, it was a big deal to me, and it wasn't like I went all out. After all, I wore a dress I had in my closet. On a scale of 1 to 10, most woman were in the 8 - 10 on a fanciness scale. I was at best a 4.

I am so tired of hearing, "why wouldn't I like you?" "why wouldn't I want to work with you?" "if I didn't like you, why would I work this closely with you?" I told her those type of negative questions drive me crazy. I was asking for something I needed from her. I don't think if I was on a date and the guy asked me, "Do you like me?" a proper response would be, "well if I didn't like you I wouldn't keep seeing you." She didn't even laugh.

Some days, as much as I adore my therapist, we are driving in opposite directions in two different cars. Finally near the end, I said, "How can I be vulnerable with you if I don't even know you are on my side." and she said, "Of course I'm on your side. I'm right here."

What do you think she meant by an "ego lift"?
There must be something she thinks I do that is addictive (i.e. maladaptive) - I'm afraid to ponder that thought further. The truth can be painful to hear. I'm already wincing and I haven't even asked the question yet.





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